2014 End of the Year rankings (feat. The Lonely Island)

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Name: Stephen d'Esterhazy

2014 End of the Year rankings (feat. The Lonely Island)

Post by Athletics »

Not to step on the toes of the new power ranking committee (think their next set will be after the draft and into spring previews) but I wanted to do a fun one based around songs from Lonely Island

Remember these are based on the end of the season and not any of the transactions that began to happen into October/November. So to begin in reverse chronological order:

#30 White Sox

So I am not sure how Jim has really gotten to this point, but I would say it is much like Two Worlds Collide in that he is a veteran of the league and is widely known, but hasn't really shown up in a while but with some up and coming talent maybe he can change that if he avoids the obviously slip ups and mistakes that any new stud on the block can avoid...though we can only hope he won't resort to the same level as Brandon.

https://screen.yahoo.com/snl-digital-sh ... 00698.html

#29 Indians

As quiet as I think Martin has been this year, I almost see the same from Danny except he probably has a better team with less DH's than his predecessor. Of course he isn't going to steal the bank with that team he is fielding, but he can at least put on a good show like Shy Ronnie 2. He is going to have to find a few players that can carry him when he is being quiet though until his official breakout, but you know when he finally does start speaking more, it will definitely matter and he will be showing off his team's big dick.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_W_xLWtNa0

#28 Braves

What can we say about Brandon and his Braves, except that he traded away Harper, Frazier, and a few other studs for what...does anyone even remember the good? This has to be like fucking your aunt, thinking that as a young boy it would be so much fun to have sex...and then realizing it is incest and that maybe she isn't that hot or it is just nasty and if only you waited like 3 more years you could be getting some hot ass tail in high school. So yea, Brandon has probably done some regrettable fucking with his trades over the last few years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlzfU5_biZQ

#27 Rays

Martin was supposed to have a better team and I am not sure if he really knows where it went wrong…maybe it was the pressure of performing in the big bad AL East, either way he was acting like Shy Ronnie who you really did not hear much out of throughout the year. Nevertheless, you know he has some potential to bring the house down if he is given the chance, maybe with a little more time and tinkering he can perform on the big stage and not piss his pants.

http://vimeo.com/68894079

#26 Nationals

Brett decided to be bad this year...and then get better late in the season, so with that dual complexity going on I decided he is deserving of two song. The first one is for being Incredibad by taking a solid wild card contender and turning it into the worst in the league, much like having a foursome MMMA with an alien, because who would predict just throwing it all away. The second song is what his team was projecting to look like for most of the season until late in the year, an amateur Olympic team competing in the Space Olympics, because who knows when that squad would have come around and if the league would still be around when it was actually good (same could likely be said about my rebuild effort, more on that to come).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JKwn_GOQWw
https://screen.yahoo.com/snl-digital-sh ... 00570.html

#25 Angels

Everyone has been asking since I have taken over for Dave, when am I finally going to get a legitimate lineup out on the field, well I have been asking myself that same question about when will the bass drop. My team always seems to start strong when healthy, then dies out and without any major talent, I seem to meander through the season and put everyone on edge about who may or may not get traded for picks. At some point, that bass will drop and you will hear it loud and clear as I turn it up to death and take all y'all down.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCawU6BE8P8

#24 Mets

John will probably do anything and everything for the Mets, because he runs New York. However running this team is quite the challenge like every big city would be and can be a fucking headache. Maybe someone should tell John that without having some good players outside of the former Mr. Wright, this job sucks dick, but on the bright side, he runs New York and it feels like SHIT!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxG48a1Loe0

#23 Padres

This was one of the easier songs to hang out since Bren went MIA for a better part of the season, and given his likely propensity for drinking, he was likely taking an extended spring break with his baseball team that is ideally set up to come into form next year or right there after, but for all intensive purposes wasn't going to do anything this year, so just staying alive was the goal of the trip through the year. So now hopefully he is rested up and rearing to go for next year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUw4Qh9uFK8

#22 Mariners

Brennan is in a rebuild mode, but with his rebuild, he has some high-end prospects that can definitely make any team look great in the future. Much like the girl in the song, he is hanging one titty out to get all the attention, but who wouldn't mind that 5-tool stud of player Buxton on their team, after all he likely hopes to follow in the footsteps of Trout and carry any team with 10 War on his back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB_UsUAGdzY

#21 Giants

This is probably a top 10 song being used on a bottom 10 team at the moment, but what else can we say, Nils has to be a Motherlover for willingly swapping with Hamlin to give him his favorite team and then consistently trading with Z to reform his own team. I am sure there have been a half dozen players that have played for either team twice will all that swapping.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0DeIqJm4vM

#20 Cardinals

So Aaron is stuck in JP's NL Central division (yes it is his until someone comes along and truly knocks him off it), so Aaron keeps changing it up to his own little tune. Like Go Kindergarten, he has to be listening to someone to tell him just what he needs to be doing, but when you have to deal with the crazy shit of that division, sometimes you need to just go stupid and be a little crazy to get ahead, though hopefully he isn't asking any ladies to whip their dicks out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKQ6nINAeq8

#19 Yankees

Jason should be on the down and outs, his team was getting old quick and within a year would have likely had nothing in his farm system to work with...yet over this year he started giving out Hugs, not caring who it was or how it affected it other people, just looking out for himself. Now the evil empire is probably back on the rise because he is no gentleman, he is a hugging gigglo, so keep your mom's safe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JVwfJGfins

#18 Cubs

No one is quite sure where Gabe went off to, maybe it was one Lazy Sunday that went awry and now he is stuffing his face with cupcakes and watching horrible movies thinking he is high as a kite. This team with a little bit of love could be a Friday night lights show, instead it is just a lazy Sunday on the couch getting ready for football season in August.

https://screen.yahoo.com/snl-digital-sh ... 00173.html

#17 Diamondbacks

Cannot really say what happened to Jag this year except he was fucked up, whether it be through injuries, bad trades, poor player development, all we can say is he took on Rocky and got crushed after being atop it for the last few years. Maybe this is a good thing; he can go back to training and building up his team for next year's fight, because this year was quite the shit show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81cT45EbTh4

#16 Athletics

Hamlin is quite the curious case this year, thought he had a good team, except he could not be carried by Stanton and Posey. Everyone thinks the Reverend is quite the innocent, but much like Natalie Portman, there are some dark sides to Hamlin. I am sure if he had the chance he would have slashed the throats of a few Perryman's players to ensure he had a fond "Fuck you" farewell to the AL West and nice hey "Suck my cock" now to the NL West.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xh2efj ... rap-hd_fun

#15 Astros

Talking to Nate of the last few months eventually lead me to deem his team appropriate for this song choice. Given that he is still a middle of the pack team, Diaper Money isn't anything special but it does bring out alot of Nate's character in that he has a kid that probably he is spending most of his money on to keep happy, a loving wife that could potentially have him on lock down for sex, and at some point he will be picking out a grave plot for the end of his life. His team on the other hand likely needs a few more super stars for that money, a nice rotation anchor to always be able to turn to in times of need and some better projections to plot out that next pennant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V35jvY0u7I

#14 Brewers

Jared was the latest member to be invited to the IBC league and I am sure when he joined he thought it was the Greatest Day. After all, this is like the best baseball Sim league in the world where we have a great site, an awesome ExCo, hilarious banter, and overall fucking good time. However, Jared still has a middle of the road team and even with some drugs no one can think you ride Strasburg to the promised land.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRu_-9MBpd4

#13 Twins

Andrew had a good showing this year and almost had a sniff of the playoffs, so maybe we can say he is back to his form from the late 2000's, but if he is going to be back, he better be rolling harder. His division seems to be a little soft, he might not get far in the playoffs is he is hitting and pitching against weaker competition to coast into October.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogG2p_ZUaaQ

#12 Royals

Jason seems to be on the cusp of winning every year only for his team to fall apart or just lose out in the first round if he does make. I think he needs to learn that he doesn't have to throw every season on the ground and recognize the value of his current players before he goes trying to change everything up. Eat the cake dude, not everyone is out there to screw you over (though Pat G might).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ

#11 Rockies

Levine once again threw caution to the wind going YOLO with his trades to try and make the playoffs, neglecting any need for a farm system just to taste the wild card rather than playing it safe and waiting another year. He came quite close to getting in and potentially doing some damage, but nevertheless, he will now have to wait another year, maybe next time he take no chances, stop freelancin', Invest in your future, don't dilute your finances.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5Otla5157c

#10 Reds

Pretty sure Ken goes big or goes home...either way he is not looking back at the explosions he makes because this team has seen quite the turnover. Each year he seems to think it is really cool to blow it up, now being in that NL Central division will force you to question the things you do, but each year he seems to make it back to the promised land of October, so maybe he is pretty cool.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5zmo

#9 Orioles

So Steve made the playoffs, well actually just the wildcard game which is quite a feat in the tough Al East, however much like Just had sex, that is quite a feat and luckily for him, now that he has tasted the sweetness, I am sure he will be coming back for more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

#8 Blue Jays

Pat B had a damn good season and even with his underestimated team still had the potential to knock off the Champion, he provided every team with the perfect gift even as they were expecting him to falter...A Dick in the Box. Yes, you heard, he gave almost everyone a dick in the box as he fucked them over in his climb to become the AL Champion for this season. As you can tell from his team, he did not have much high end talent, but he knew how to use it and work his way to the top.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABrSYqiqvzc

#7 Tigers

Pat G had a good year, not great, but good, he won his division easily sliding into the playoffs and then proceeded to get swept right back out. Therefore, the highlight of his year was the Three-way trade he completed during the season. 3-Way was lined up to be a potentially great song with Andy and JT, but was then ruined by Lady Gaga and some shitty lyrics. Pat should remember that for next season as he is shuffling around players to compliment his stars and not shoot the moon too much or go for any more crazy three ways, because just like a three-way, someone could always be left on the outside looking in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABrSYqiqvzc

#6 Dodgers

Shawn is the hub that keeps the site running up to snuff, but let us not get in over our heads when he thinks he can act Like a Boss. While as great as his team was, it relied heavily on pitching and his friendly ballpark to amass a significant run differential in the regular season as well as getting some serious production from unusual sources (Hoes and Sanchez). But much like the Royals, if you can get to your shut down pen with a lead, you can act like a boss all you like, unless you cut your dick off and get behind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c

#5 Rangers

Of course, Brett had another solid season with a mid-season charge like usual to overtake Hamlin and Hunter and win the division title. Brett seems always to rely heavily on a mix of Latin imports and an ever-changing group of pitchers to mull his way into deep playoff runs. I think a Boombox is what powers his team since when they get down early in the season, he can just flip on the switch and get the old guys off the bench, can bring together all the races, and by the time it is all said and done a whole bunch of people are fucking. This year I think a few too many had a heartache which cut his playoff run a tad bit short.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yvEYKRF5IA

#4 Marlins

Dan could have turned the tide this year, he had everything lined up for him and even with getting the W/C instead of the division title he still was facing off with JP for the NL title and then he decided to Jizz in Pants. Not sure how that team can't hold it together just a little longer to take down the champion, but I guess when you are too eager to get it on with Molly Sims or Jamie Lynn Singler, shit can go wrong, maybe next year will bring better fortunes and a longer run.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY

#3 Red Sox

Since I am came into the league, Tullar has always been in contention, but the one thing that is the scariest is how he always seems to have the guys that show up on the BA hot lists or from other sources two to three weeks in advance. I am not sure what type of Creep he is doing, but that voodoo dance seems to be working as he rolls through the prospects and turns them over to make a consistent winner in the ever-tough AL East.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0

#2 Phillies

Nick had likely the second best team in the league this year, but while he might have had a bomb ass team there was always something that was potentially going to be holding this team. Jack Sparrow was an epic song that was hilarious for the sake of Michael Bolton being included in the mix and making references to movie characters when it should have been all about getting hot bitches at the club. There was no one major gaffe Nick would likely be able to point to as to why he could not go deeper in the playoffs except that few people probably made an error here or there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6CfKcMhjY

#1 Pirates

JP dominated the league like he has done for the past four years and winning his second title in the last three years. Much like the song, everyone wishes they could be on a boat rocking it out with some superstar and I am sure if JP had his dream celebration it would include some of the outlandish things seen and spoken about while riding on this a boat. Me thinks his two guests would Mike Trout and Adam Wainwright and the lucky friend would be Nils for stupidly trading Trout to him to ensure this dynasty in the making and I would be the guy standing on the shore because I couldn't work out a deal with Tullar three months prior.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM
"My shit doesn't work in the playoffs. My job is to get us to the playoffs. What happens after that is fucking luck."

LAA 11 - 15 331W - 479L
LAA 16 - 20 477W - 333L 17-20 ALW
OAK 21 - 22 214W - 110L 21-22 ALW
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Cardinals
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Post by Cardinals »

Damn right. Yadi would be there too though for sure. Levine and I may or may not have been toasting champagne at Foxwoods a week after the title was clinched.

A grander celebration is still in order before the end of the year, though.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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Post by BlueJays »

Just Had Sex is my favorite Lonely Island song, major props for giving that 1 to me.

I've been known to have it pulled up on my phone to play after doing the deed.
"Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax."
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Re: 2014 End of the Year rankings (feat. The Lonely Island)

Post by Twins »

Angels wrote:#12 Royals

Jason seems to be on the cusp of winning every year only for his team to fall apart or just lose out in the first round if he does make. I think he needs to learn that he doesn't have to throw every season on the ground and recognize the value of his current players before he goes trying to change everything up. Eat the cake dude, not everyone is out there to screw you over (though Pat G might).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ
For what it's worth, I've never lost in the first round of the playoffs. But...point taken. :)
2010 KC 83-79
2011 KC 94-68
2012 KC 83-79
2013 KC 90-72; AL Central Champs
2014 KC 84-78
2015 KC 103-59; AL Central Champs
2016 KC 97-65; Lost WC Game to BAL
2017 MIN 80-82
2018 MIN 84-78
2019 MIN 80-82

Overall IBC Record 1040-903
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Post by Tigers »

Good show!
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Post by Brewers »

"#14 Brewers

Jared was the latest member to be invited to the IBC league and I am sure when he joined he thought it was the Greatest Day. After all, this is like the best baseball Sim league in the world where we have a great site, an awesome ExCo, hilarious banter, and overall fucking good time. However, Jared still has a middle of the road team and even with some drugs no one can think you ride Strasburg to the promised land. "

I have way more than just "some" drugs.
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Post by Reds »

Nicely done Stephen!
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