No. 1, Pirates—Jennifer Lawrence. Ho hum, another power rankings, another #1 rating for the Pirates. JP is entering his 6th straight year as the dominant force in the NL. You look at this team and shake your head. Look for the Pirates to be playing deep into October yet again and maybe hoisting their second World Series trophy. The last time Lawrence was in the power rankings in 2011, she was ranked 22nd. That was before winning an Oscar and becoming the hottest starlet in Hollywood. She’s 23 by the way, so look for her to be around for a while. She’s come a long way from starring in the Bill Engvall Show, just like JP has climbed from the NLC cellar in 2007 and 2008 to the top of the mountain ever since. Don’t look for either’s status to change any time soon.
No. 2, Phillies--- Jamie Alexander. Nick has charged into the lead in the NL East. McCutcheon and Freddie Freeman anchoring the middle of the lineup surrounded by the likes of Utley, Werth and Josh Donaldson and a rotation with Jeff Samardzjia, Homer Bailey and Jordan Zimmerman, Nick will be winning a lot of games for the foreseeable future. Jamie Alexander has slowly been working up the ranks in Hollywood. You may remember her as Tammy, the high school girl that forces Dennis to take her to prom in the first season of Sunny. She’s also been in Thor, had a prominent role in Nurse Jackie and should continue to pull in big roles. She’s only 30 and may just be hitting her stride. Nick is already in a full gallop and could run away with the division.
No. 3, Dodgers--- Gina Carano. Shawn is like Secretariat in the Belmont right now. He’s moving like a tremendous machine, opening up a 12 game lead since the break. Shawn dealt for Jeremy Hellickson, and has a solid team, top to bottom. With Joey Bats, Seager, Cheater and the like anchoring a deep lineup, Shawn will have to try and outslug opponents because he doesn’t have a true ace on his squad, which will make a trip to October hard to come by. That being said, don’t count him out, he’s been there before. Gina Carano was the original lady MMA badass. She’s ventured into film, starring in Haywire, been an American Gladiator and kicked a lot of ass. Shawn will have to hope he can kick a little ass in the 2nd half to avoid the dangerous one game playoff.
No. 4, Red Sox -- Gemma Atkinson – Hey, did you realize that this will be Tullar’s fourth straight trip to the playoffs, barring collapse? That’s pretty cool. Tullar’s Sox don’t have a pennant to their name yet, but each year, it seems like they’re a contender every year – especially with the Yankees down and out. Who is Gemma Atkinson and what does she do? She’s a model and some sort of actress, but mainly, she’s just got a ridiculous body and Is fairly pretty too. The Red Sox? They’re going to win the division and have some phenomenal talent, but the Sawx just aren’t totally there – there’ s just something missing, which is the same feeling we get with Atkinson, as hot as she may be.
No. 5, Marlins, Lindsey Duke – Dan hates Miami and the state of Florida, so it’s only fitting that he gets Lindsey Duke – Blake Bortles’ very good looking girlfriend. The Marlins started out the season as the best team in the IBC, even better than the Pirates (arr!). Since then, the Marlins have all-but ceded the division to the Phillies, made a huge trade with the Pirates, but lost Tulowitzki for the season. Still, with Verlander and Price atop the rotation and a dangerous lineup, the Marlins could take home the Dan’s first pennant. Lindsey Duke is really attractive, but never got the press that Katharine Webb did. Will the Marlins and Duke step up this fall?
No. 6, Tigers--- Sarah Hyland. Pat is wheeling and dealing once more and is gearing up for an October run and a shot at the title, his best shot at it since losing the 2005 World Series to Nils in heartbreaking fashion. With a solid farm, big boppers like Goldschmidt (when healthy) and Beltre and a rotation anchored by Lester, this is a scary team to face in October. But he has to get there first and the Royals are making moves to secure the division as well, so they should be a fight that goes down to the last week. Pat upgraded his rotation with Alex Cobb, but will it be enough? Sarah Hyland has starred on Modern Family and is starting to get bigger roles outside of it, such as the Bonnie and Clyde miniseries on History. She has great comedic chops and is 23, so a bright future is ahead of her. Modern Family has a few good years left in it, so she’s in no danger of leaving the spotlight, she just needs to compliment it with solid roles in the offseason. Pat could use a couple small upgrades but look for him to be in the spotlight in October.
No. 7, Orioles, Kerry Washington – There’s nothing particularly amazing about Kerry Washington, but the whole package is pretty good. She was People’s No. 2 most Beautiful Person in 2013, and was Woman of the Year that year too courtesy of Glamour. She’s certainly pretty and she seems like she’s very well put together. The Orioles have made moves to make themselves put well together, and this year is the first year that Steve will finish over .500. Will Steve land on People’s Most Beautiful List? Guessing not, but his Orioles should make the playoffs.
No. 8, Rangers, Genevieve Morton – Did you know that Brett already has three pennants and two titles, and has gone to back-to-back World Series? If you didn’t, now you do. The Rangers are banged up pretty good this year – no Prince, no Yu and no Beckett for the rest of the year. Luckily for Texas, there’s no clear favorite in the AL. Could the Rangers make it an AL three-peat? Maybe. Morton was the cover girl for the 2011 South African Swimsuit SI, and appeared in three consecutive issues (11-13). Not too shabby.
No. 9, Blue Jays, Grace Park. This is a recording. The Blue Jays are in contention for the Wild Card. How does Pat do it every year? Ok recording over, really, how in the hell is he doing this? Chris Capuano as the #2 starter? Who the fuck is Chris Collabello? Is Kelly Johnson even alive? Hell once Cliff Lee gets back he’ll probably run away with things. I wish Unsolved Mysteries were still on the air, I’d send this case to them. Grace Park is famous for Battlestar Gallactica and now Hawaii 5-0, and also being pretty hot.. Being Asian, she’s 40 but looks 27. Sooner or later, nature will take its course and Grace Park’s star will fade, but hell I’m not willing to make that bet on Pat.
No. 10, Reds, Michelle Rodriguez – Oh look, it’s September and Ken has his Reds someway, somehow clawing for a playoff spot. That’s nothing new. The Reds get by with smoke and mirrors and survived a devastating rash of injuries out of the All-Star Break and are well-positioned to advance to the Wild Card game. We all know who Michelle Rodriguez is, and she’s pretty damn good looking, but not drop-dead gorgeous. In fact, she’s probably a bit underrated and underestimated. Like, I wouldn’t be shocked if she would kick all of our asses. Just like I won’t be shocked if Ken beats me in the playoffs, again. (Please don’t).
No. 11, Royals, Emily Deschanel – Hey, we all know who Zooey Deschanel is, the quirky, so cute and funny, crappier version of Katy Perry! Do you know who Emily is? No? It’s her sister, and she’s the lead actress on Bones. Yeah, I didn’t watch it either. She’s prettier than Zooey, though, just like this Royals team is prettier than its place in the standings. It’s been a weird year for KC; the Royals get hot, they get cold, but they do have a good run differential. What will happen the last three weeks? Who knows, but the result may end up being uglier than the reality of the team.
No. 12, Rockies--- Ronda Rousey. Jake entered the break with a slim lead on the Dodgers but is now 12 games back. Second place may get the second wild card spot. Jake has been busy, with deals for Rollins, Torri Hunter and most importantly, King Felix, the Rockies are going all in for this year. This team will be even better next year with Nelson Cruz due for an awesome projection. The vault has been emptied, there is no draft pick higher than a 4th, the Rockies are here to win now and they are a scary, scary team come October. With Jake being in a fight, who better to give him than Ronda Rousey? She has quickly become the top name in female MMA fighting and has a role in the next Expendables movie, because we needed another one of those. Speaking of redundant, she’s in Fast & Furious 7 and I guess will be starring in every shitty sequel of shitty movie franchise. Whatever, she’s attractive and can kick all our asses, I’ll shut up now.
No. 13, Twins--- Matthew McConaughey. For the first time since 2008, Andrew has a chance to play October baseball. He has built a very solid, young team from 2009 until now and drafted well. When healthy, Bumgarner/Wacha/Teheran is something to fear for the rest of the division looking ahead. That being said, this lineup has much to be improved on. There are some good prospects on the way, but Logan Forsythe leading off? Andrew needs an impact bat to really solidify himself, but he’s one game out of the ALC lead. Speaking of solidifying themselves, Matthew McConaughey winning a best actor must’ve been what people that remembered Tom Hanks for Bachelor Party felt like back in the early 90s. He’s now a certified A lister, and Andrew is a certified threat. Ok I’m done talking about attractive men, the quota has been filled.
No. 14, Brewers, Anna Faith Carlson – Who the hell is Anna Faith Carlson? I asked the same question. We also ask ourselves who the Brewers GM is since it seems like we have a new one every so often, and they’re typically quiet. Quiet or not, Jared has done a nice job in his rookie season, and has the Brewers in contention for a Wild Card spot. Anna is some girl who just looks a lot like Elsa from Frozen and posts scantily clad pictures on Instagram. If you’re over the age of like 25 you should feel uncomfortable looking at them – just like you should feel uncomfortable of this team doing actual noise in the playoffs, but anything is possible with Stras and Cueto atop the rotation.
No. 15, Astros--- Robin Wright. Since being given the boot in 2009 for inactivity, Nate’s return has been much better than expected. He’s on the edge of contention but fading. There is no one Astro that stands out when you look at the team and they may be playing over their head, but a couple of moves and a winning streak and Nate could steal a playoff spot and really be back. Robin Wright is back as well. Despite pushing 50, she still looks really good and stars in House of Cards on Netflix. Since her star making debut as Princess Buttercup in The Princess Bride and probably most famously as Jenny Gump, she has always found work, though from 2002 until 2008 she didn’t do anything of note. She also for some reason married notable douchebag Sean Penn. Not everyone can make the best decisions all the time, but if Nate makes a couple good ones down the stretch he could be back on top, just like Robin Wright.
No. 16, Cubs--- Sam Ponder. Gabe has been MIA for a little bit since his move from LA back to Miami in real life, and it has coincided with his best chance at the playoffs since 2006. The Cubs are 6 out of the 2nd wild card spot and have an ace up their sleeve named Clayton Kershaw. The rest of the staff is solid but the lineup is lacking and some trades need to happen to pump some life into this team. Look for Gabe to sell off his draft picks to make a run at October for the first time since he could legally drink. Sam Ponder has been a sideline reporter and is basically ESPN’s new Erin Andrews. She’s on College Gameday and the marquee college basketball games during the winter. Somehow she married noodle armed Christian Ponder, which makes your ponder (heyyo!) her decision making, much like we all question Gabe’s no farm system strategy that has bit him in the ass for years. Even still, she’s smoking and Gabe has managed to build a good core, he just needs to stop filling the roster with Christian Ponder types.
No. 17, Athletics, Jane Levy – It’s a ginger! The gritty, gutty A’s are no longer going to be the gritty, gutty A’s, which is kind of weird. Jake is going to leave the o.Co Coliseum and head to San Francisco – but he’s going to do so on a down year for the A’s, as his squad won’t make the playoffs. How will he fare in San Francisco? We’ll find out. Jane Levy is a ginger, but she’s good looking. Apparently, Jane was named as one of the world’s breakout stars a few years back, but just hasn’t managed to break out yet. Jake’s A’s/Giants had some breakout candidates, like Xander, but sent him packing to AT&T Park – or left him in the o.Co. Either way, interesting times ahead.
No. 18, DBacks, Laura Prepon – What a difference a year makes. Just last year, the DBacks upset the 127-win Pirates in seven games in the NLCS, advancing to the World Series. A year later, Arizona has been ravaged by injuries, and will miss the playoffs for the first time since 2009. Laura Prepon was best known as Donna from That 70s Show, and hey, maybe that run of D’Backs success was the hey-day ala Laura and that 70s Show. But she came roaring back with Orange is the New Black – similarly, expect the D’Backs to have a resurgence, but sooner rather than later.
No. 19, Yankees, Nicola Peltz – Remember when JB was a fixture at either No. 1 or 2 in the rankings? Even the mighty fall (damnit). But not-so-shockingly, JB was able to move a bunch of his older players (even King!) for young prospects, and the Yankees should be back in contention in no time. Well, probably not 2015, but with Almora, Gausman, Harper, Baez, Lindor, Rendon, two first rounders… aw, fuck, how did we let this happen? Anyway, I didn’t really know who this Nicola girl is. But apparently she was Michael Bay’s latest token hot girl in Transformers – she’s young, she’s hot and fits the bill. She’s also hot and this is a good excuse to post a picture of her.
No. 20, Cardinals, Katie Nolan – Another year, another rebuilding season in the Gateway City. Fortunately for Aaron, the future is bright in the Lou. The Cardinals could have one of the league’s best outfields with Taveras, Yelich and Betts. Lance Lynn and Matt Cain is already a nice 1-2 punch, but the Redbirds need more. Katie Nolan is pretty and sometimes funny, but she needs a bit more herself – a better gig, better something. The makings are there of a really hot girl, but she’s not quite there yet.
No. 21, Giants, Emilia Clarke – Another year, another rebuild for the Giants. Much like the Cardinals, the Giants were one of the favorites in the IBC, until they decided to rebuild. The results could be there sooner rather than later, as Nils has managed to secure Xander and Profar, as well as Matt Harvey and other interesting players. For a rebuild, though, this feels a bit thin. Emilia Clarke is all the rage among Game of Thrones nerds, but there’s just something not totally there about her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good looking, but you get the feeling she should be better looking than she is.
No. 22, Mets --- Connie Britton. Life imitates art as once again we have a mediocre team in Queens. John has struggled ever since his move from Colorado. This team was built around David Wright and his best years have been wasted, and now he's been dealt to Pittsburgh for a minor ransom. This team has a lot of good pieces but the puzzle doesn’t fit together. It may be time to blow it up and do a full on rebuild. Connie Britton has done the Hollywood impossible, becoming a star in her late 40s. Sure she was part on the ensemble on Spin City during Michael J. Fox’s time on the show. Friday Night Lights was a show that critics and devoted fans loved but that nobody watched and NBC yanked around a ton. Now with Nashville she has really broken out with a show in the vein of 80s prime time soaps like Falcon Crest and Dallas. How long are the legs on this show though, with a star pushing 50 and the other one knocked up by a giant Ukrainian boxer? Britton better do all she can before she transitions to the Hallmark Channel movie career that most women with her resume go to in their 50s, just like John might be wise to sell off his valuable pieces to contenders at the deadline and look towards 2017.
No. 23, Angels--- Clare Bowen. By now we all thought Stephen would at least be near .500 every year, but that will not be the case. The Angels can thank the M’s (for now) for not bringing up the rear in the AL West. Bundy, Cole, Cobb, the pieces are there for a really good young rotation, but you have to score runs to win games and the best piece on offense is Scooter Gennett. Bowen is an Australian actress that stars on Nashville because apparently finding Southern actors to play Southerners is impossible. Other than that, all her credits appear to be straight to DVD films and shorts that didn’t become movies. She was a star in Australia though. Her splash on Nashville came in the pilot where she sang a song called “If I didn’t know better.” If I didn’t know better I’d think Stephen would be good by now, but to finish the line from the sing, damn it I do.
No. 24, Braves--- Jessie James. Brandon’s long rebuild continues, but the results are trending in the opposite direction of where he wants them to go. His activity level has been minimal, which has hurt. This team has a lot of useful parts, but there aren’t a lot of studs on the way as the farm system has suffered some from Brandon’s inactivity. Maybe something will change, Brandon will pay attention again and the Braves can move back towards the top of the division. Jessie James is a “singer” with a reality show that happens to be super hot and married to Eric Decker. I’d bash Eric Decker but the guy is super handsome, so you can see how he landed a chick like this. That being said, Jessie hasn’t accomplished anything. She had a top 40 pop hit in 2009, that’s it. She switches between pop and country without success in either, but she’s really hot. Brandon needs to quit switching between active and inactive and decide on a course to take his team, or else he’ll wind up like Jessie James and continue to be unsuccessful.
No. 25, White Sox--- Morena Baccarin. Jim is bad this year, make no mistake about it. This team would be a lot better with Clayton Kershaw instead of John Danks, but you don’t get do overs in awful deals that happened in the past. Things will be bad for a while from the looks of this roster though, but we all know Jim is a patient man, has to be having lived in a house full of women. That or he’s crazy by now. Moerna Baccarin starred on Firefly and was on Homeland. Nobody watched Firefly when it was on and since Homeland is on a premium channel, far fewer folks watched it than would’ve under other circumstances. Basically she’s a working actress and that’s fine, but she’s not going to be a star anytime soon, just like Jim won’t be in contention.
No. 26, Indians, Ariana Grande – “Head in the clouds, got no weight in my shouuuuuuuuuuulders,” I hope that was as awful for you to read as it was for me to type, and you’d better read it in that awful, one-tone, high-pitch. Anyway. The Indians are a very young team, and Danny took over a mess, so the only way to go was younger here. Ariana Grande is young, but breaking out, thanks in part to Iggy. Grande is small, but she’s cute and a lot of people like her. The jury is still out on the Indians, just like it is on Grande’s career, but we’ll give both the benefit of the doubt for now.
No. 27, Mariners, Jenny McCarthy – Recurring theme here, but hey, remember when Ropers was awesome? He had a mini-dynasty in the AL West, but was never able to turn that into a pennant. Now, the Mariners are rebuilding and are loaded with talent, headlined by Byron Buxton. Who knows how long it’ll take for Seattle to make a big playoff push, but with Buxton, Abreu, Gray, Giolito and another high draft pick. Like the Mariners, McCarthy used to be top-notch, but she’s actually still pretty hot. Thanks to plastic surgery no doubt. But hey, a rebuild is sort of like plastic surgery, right?
No. 28, Rays--- Summer Glau. Martin is in last place in the AL East and his rivalry with Pat Tullar never really developed, since King Kong doesn’t fight Clyde from Any Which Way But Loose. The team that once was looked at as the next dominant team in the NL West has never really recovered from losing a one game playoff to Nils and went into a years long tailspin. That’s not to say that this team is bad, Joey Votto, Jered Weaver, Choo, Bruce, the foundation is in place. The issue is building the rest of the house, and with McCann regressing, Patrick Corbin’s injury, etc. you just wonder if the ship will ever be righted. Summer Glau has starred in more cult favorite TV series that get cancelled after half a season than anyone ever. Firefly, The Cape, Terminator: The Sara Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse. Yet with all that credibility, she’s still never been on a hit show when it was on the air. At some point you have to be on something successful, whether it is a crappy CBS show that everyone watches for some reason or a Wild Card team. Right now Glau and Martin are neck and neck to escape mediocrity
No. 29, Padres, Kate Moss – Hey, remember when Bren was good and cared? Good times. We barely remember either. But when Bren did care and try, he was pretty good. A title, couple of pennants, and hey, he actually has some solid talent in San Diego. Remember when Kate Moss was hot? That seems like a while ago too, but it’s true. She was pretty hot. Now she’s old and needs a cheeseburger. The Padres also need to beef up their roster.
No. 30, Nationals--- Sadie Robertson. Remember in This Is Spinal Tap, when they’re discussing the new album cover and how black it is? Well with this team, it’s like, how much more bad could this team be? And the answer is none, none more bad. Z decided to go total rebuild after winning the Wild Card in 2012 and he is the Mozart of sucking right now. He may not crack 40 wins for the season. Gone is the #1 pick, but he has 3 firsts in a deep draft. He has too many prospects to list, but if he’s patient and continues to stockpile, in a few years he is going to be very dangerous. That being said most of these guys can’t get into a bar. Speaking of which, it is time for our annual PedoBear and that is Sadie Robertson of the Duck Dynasty Robertsons. I know that this show isn’t aimed at most of the members of this league, but in Indiana people obsess over it. The first time I watched it I was like hold on, who’s this hottie? Then I realized she was like 15 or 16. That being said, once Sadie is 18 (if she isn’t already, I don’t watch the show very much) look out, just like we’ll have to look out for Z once this team matures.
