July 27 Power Rankings

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July 27 Power Rankings

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And we're back! Courtesy Aaron and I.

No. 1, Yankees: Arianny Celeste

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Ho hum, another year, another division title for JB. At the All Star break, JB has a 6.5 game lead on the competition and is coasting towards home field in another October, and for those of us hoping eventually age would catch up with him, that Bryce Harper deal is really pissing us off now. Coming off back to back titles, there is no doubt that JB is the top dog in the IBC. UFC has become the top dog in the world of PPV. Every jackass that’s ever taken a karate lesson now thinks they can fight MMA. But with UFC comes ring girl Arianny Celeste, who is about as hot as a Mexican/Filipino mixture can get. She’s only 26, so we have years of her trotting around the octagon in barely anything to look forward to. Unfortunately we have years of JB in contention to dread as well.

No. 2, Pirates: Bérénice Marlohe
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JP got frustrated and decided, instead of going the 90s Braves route and winning with pitching, he was going to win with hitting and become the 90s Indians. The Pirates have the best record in the league again, and with Trout/Craig/Holliday/Kemp/Molina/ect, scoring runs won’t be an issue. Wainwright/Greinke/Darvish is a pretty good rotation too. Marlohe is the new Bond girl. She’s hot, she’s French and I’m pretty sure she’s never acted in an English role. This could be a disaster, but as long as she winds up hot and possibly nude, we don’t care. The retooling probably won’t be a disaster, and might be just what the doctor ordered. Either way the Pirates are dangerous yet again.

No. 3, Diamondbacks: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
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It looks like Jag has finally taken over as the dominant force of the NL West. We’ve known this was coming for years, and now it is here. The DBacks should be fighting the Pirates for NL dominance for a while. As Jag took over the NLW from Nils, Rosie took over the Transformers franchise from Megan Fox, much to the chagrin of most fans of the series. Before that Rosie was a pretty important Victoria’s Secret model. So her qualifications for anything she’s ever done is that she is hot. She’s going to be in Mad Max 4, because Hollywood is out of original ideas or won’t risk doing good new movies (right Gabe?) so she’ll be in another hit that is in no part due to her contributions, and probably get even bigger. But hey she’s hot, and Jag’s team is really good.

No. 4, Miami Marlins: Brooke Tessmacher
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Looks like Dan is going to win the NL East yet again. Dan’s been fighting injuries but it looks like the NL East title is all but signed, sealed and delivered at this point. Dan’s notoriously fell short in the playoffs, so maybe this is the year, if he can get healthy, that that changes. Brooke is the Knockouts Champion in TNA wrestling and also has highly placed in the Hawaiian Tropic and Hooters swimsuit pageants. Brooke is a fighting champion (granted in a fake sport), and Dan is going to have to fight once he gets to the playoffs to not get the stigma as a guy who can’t win the big one.

No. 5, Boston Red Sox: Victoria Beckham
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The Red Sox are once again going all-in for this season, just like they did in 2011. Gone are AJ Cole and a first round pick, and in are potential sim difference makers Daniel Bard and Shane Victorino. Once a young team, the Red Sox were scary and loaded with talent... just like Ms. Beckham with the Spice Girls. Now, the Red Sox are looking to win and have added some vets over the past year, but hey, they still look pretty good -- just like Beckham.

No. 6, Washington Nationals: Nicki Minaj
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Well, this might be Z's highest ranking yet. I'm too lazy to check that, though. Either way, Nicki Minaj is quite popular, and if you're a rap/hip hop fan, you probably either love her or you hate her. I don't feel like there's a middle ground with her. Just sort of like Z's team. You either really like it for what it is -- a very talented, albeit injury prone, veteran team, or you're looking at its warts and seeing injuries and not a lot in the farm system. Few can doubt Washington's success this year though, and the Nats could actually overtake the Marlins for the NL East crown. You might hate Minaj, but you also can't doubt her success.

No. 7, Toronto Blue Jays: Sofia Vergara
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Every year we figure that Father Time has passed Pat by, he will finally struggle and have to rebuild. Every year, Pat is in contention until the end. This year looks to be no different, as he is in the lead for the Wild Card spots currently. I think by this point we’ve given up trying to figure out how he does it and just bow to the master. Speaking of how do they do it, did you know Sophia Vergara is 40?! Holy shit. Sophia modeled for a long time, dated Tom Cruise and bounced around television before striking gold with Modern Family. The popularity of that show gives her great staying power, and she won’t be going anywhere for a while. Evidently, neither will Pat.

No. 8, Detroit Tigers: Kate Mara
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Well, Pat's back in town and in first place, though his pythag percentage isn't the highest in the AL Central, it seems as if he's got the best chance to win it, as he's the most active in the trade market and most adaptable it seems. Plus, a top three of Hamels, Zimmermann and Hellickson isn't much to sneeze at. Kate Mara isn't much to sneeze at either. She's a pretty good actress, and as you can see, quite attractive. There's just not a whole lot special about her, but there's not much wrong with her either. That's sort of the Tigers. They might well make the playoffs, but there's just nothing special about this team. Yet.

No. 9, Chicago White Sox: Zooey Deschanel

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Sorry I just don’t get the appeal. Jim is currently leading the ALC, though Pat G and Jason may have something to say about that before the year is over, unless Jason blows the whole thing up like he has threatened to. Jim has a nice team, but I don’t think it is a team that anyone is scared of. Jim has made some questionable moves over time to where if he stood pat his team would be better off (dealing Kershaw to Gabe). Maybe Jim makes the playoffs but it will probably be a quick exit if he does. Speaking of not getting the appeal, Zooey Deschanel is a gimmick (http://www.cracked.com/article_19493_4- ... -dork.html). She was in Elf as Buddy’s love interest. Remember that blonde chick? Nothing that great right? So now she plays the character of Zooey Deschanel all the time, and nerds think she’s just like them, and Fox has some show she’s the star of where all these guys that live with her, instead of wanting to have sex with her, apparently just can’t understand how she is so weird (I’ve never watched it, that’s just what I gathered from commercials in the playoffs). The point is, Zooey’s nothing special, and Jim’s team is good but not great.

No. 10, Texas Rangers: Katharine McPhee

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The Rangers have a miniscule lead in the AL West over the gritty, gutty A’s. When BP moved to Texas after 2009’s title run, we all figured a dynasty was in the making, but a first round exit and missing the playoffs have tempered any thoughts of that. Now it appears the Rangers are in a position to be a force, if of course they can make the playoffs, as the 2 Wild Cards may come out of the ALE. BP also has Profar ready to take over SS in the future. Katharine McPhee was a runner up on American Idol and parlayed that into an acting career. She is the star of Smash, which NBC promotes every commercial break, and has a singing career as well. McPhee’s star is on the rise, and BP should be on the rise for the foreseeable future.

No. 11, Los Angeles Dodgers: Charissa Thompson

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Who knew at the beginning of the year that the Dodgers would be atop the Wild Card standings for most of the year? Raise your hand if you did. Ok, that's what I thought. The Dodgers are doing it based on star power -- Jose Bautista (NL MVP?) and Ryan Braun are carrying this team. After that...there's not too much to get excited about in LA. Charissa Thompson took Michelle Beadle's job, or something like that, and hey, she's pretty hot and she's not really obnoxious like Beadle. Still...it's just another ESPN Blonde, and beyond the surface (Braun/Joey Bats), there's not much there. Still, this looks like a playoff team.

No. 12, Oakland A's: Stacey Keibler

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Jake must be using his Jew gold to pay off the sim, because he is in the thick of things once again. We’ve never been able to understand how he remains in contention every year, and the loss of Stanton could allow BP a chance to open up some ground, but here he is one more time leading the way. Stacey Kiebler, like Jake, was really at her peak around 2007 when she was the only chick in the WWE without implants. Before that she was a Ravens cheerleader, then she was on Dancing With the Stars, and now George Clooney is sleeping with her so she is in the news because of that more than she ever was for her actual accomplishments. Whoever Jake is sleeping with to be one game back, he must be good in bed.

No. 13, Houston Astros: Jessica Rabbit

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Nate is back, not only that but he took a dogshit roster in Houston and is now in the middle of the Wild Card race in his last year in the NLC. Things are not as they appear however, because this team is not very good. The farm isn’t anything to write home about either. Remember Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Remember Jessica Rabbit? For a cartoon she was pretty hot. But she was a cartoon. So she wasn’t real, just like the success of this Astros team.

No. 14, Cleveland Indians: Rooney Mara
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For the first time ever, Kelly is looking to compete. And he's hanging around, and there's time left for him to make a run. Still, with some of the moves he's made, you can't help but think a few of them (Rendon) have been ill-advised, but what's done is done, and Kelly is going for it. Rooney Mara is Kate's sister, and well, she's just not as attractive. She might have been in bigger roles lately, but, right now, I'd take Kate of Rooney any day. As of now, we'd take the Tigers over the Indians in the AL Central, but crazier things have happened.

No. 15, Milwaukee Brewers: Alex Morgan

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Looks like we’re going to have another year where Ben finishes right around .500. While that was an admirable goal a couple years ago, now it is time to look to high peaks to climb, say 90 wins or one of the Wild Cards. Ben’s team is a bit of a mixed bag, and the farm system needs a strong draft to improve it. Alex Morgan plays soccer for Team USA, and unlike Hope Solo, is actually attractive. If she didn’t play soccer we would have no reason to pay attention to her, but she does so she is the hot soccer player (Once again, NOT HOPE SOLO). If Ben wants us to pay attention to him, he needs to get over the .500 hump and get into the high 80s or 90s in the win column.

No. 16, Minnesota Twins: Ryan Reynolds

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2006-2008 must seem like a century for Andrew, because this year he will not being going back to the playoffs yet again. The Twins have some nice, young talent but the depth is the issue. Injuries and regressions of pitching prospects have set the Twins back a bit. How is Ryan Reynolds not the top star in Hollywood? I don’t know a single guy that dislikes him, and every woman is in love with him. He’s charming, he can do comedy, action, I’m sure he could do drama too. Certain things boggle the mind. Ryan Reynolds not being the king of the mountain in Hollywood is like the injury to Mike Montgomery, Teheran’s regression and Wilson Ramos being kidnapped. Sometimes things suck. Things might be looking up for the Twins though, as a seven game winning streak has put Minnesota in striking distance, despite a negative RD.

No. 17, New York Mets: Maggie Grace

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Some guys just don’t have any luck. John was building a good team in Colorado, missed winning the division by a couple games in 2007, moved to NY to take over his beloved Mets, had to retool the whole team and has never been able to get back on track. While there are some great pieces like David Wright, Josh Johnson and Ian Kennedy, a lot of this team is ineffective and he may be better off trading off those guys and going for the long rebuild. No actress has characters with worse luck than Maggie Grace. First she was kidnapped to be sold into sex slavery in Taken, then she was the president’s daughter that was stranded in a space jail in Taken In Space (I can’t remember the actual name of the movie), now in Taken 2 (as Hollywood is out of ideas) her mom is kidnapped and she’s on the run until Liam Neeson will save the day at the end. At some point, shit luck has to turn, don’t it?

No. 18, Kansas City Royals: Kristin Stewart

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Is there anybody more boring in Hollywood than Kristin Stewart? There probably is, but my Hollywood knowledge is limited, so don't answer that. She's just sort of there, and she's always on the cusp of looking hot but she's sort of not. And apparently, she's a tramp (or so the NY Post says, Vamp Tramp). Anyway, the Royals looked prime to compete this year, and oddly, they're in last place with a + run differential. This team could and should be good...but it's just not. Kristin Stewart has a starter kit to be hot but...she's just not.

No. 19, Cincinnati Reds: Miranda Kerr

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Ah yes, Miranda Kerr. One of the few Victoria’s Secret models that had gone unused by us until now. Kerr is interesting, but there’s something about her that’s just not quite phenomenal...well, comparatively saying at least. There are days where Kerr looks as good as anyone in the world, and there are days that she’s not looking as good as her competition. That sums up the Reds right about now. They’re on the outskirts of playoff contention, and while there’s some good young talent there, it wasn’t quite the full rebuild, so while it’s a nice system, it’s not as nice as others’.

No. 20, Atlanta Braves: January Jones

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January Jones. What’s to say about her? She’s an actress, and she’s had some high profile gigs. But there’s really not a ton special about her. She’s sort of bland, and Atlanta’s roster right now is sort of bland too. Sure, there’s a starter kit to have a hot blonde in Jones, and there’s a starter kit for IBC success in Atlanta, but Jones hasn’t put it together (not for us, at least), and neither has Atlanta.

No. 21, Los Angeles Angels: Gillian Jacobs

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Hats off to Stephen, he took over Dave’s wreck of a roster and has managed to fix it to where he is hovering around .500 and less than 10 games back. While he may finish the year between 70-80 wins, the farm system is really good and in due time he will be a lot better, especially once Bundy, Cole, ect. are ready to pitch in the bigs. Gillian Jacobs plays Britta on Community, a show every one of you need to watch before NBC kills it off because NBC is run by idiots. Gillian is attractive, but is overshadowed by Allison Brie, who plays perky, happy all the time Annie to Gillian’s feminist, angst-riddled Britta. If Gillian can ever get out from Brie’s shadow she has the potential to take off, much like Stephen does once his prospects graduate.

No. 22, Tampa Bay Rays: Candice Swanepoel

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After being so close to the playoffs in San Diego a few years ago, Martin just hasn’t put it together in the AL East with the Rays.There are some outstanding pieces on Tampa Bay’s team: Jered Weaver, Joey Votto, and Jacoby Ellsbury, but there’s not much to this team in terms of depth, or its IBC resume. Sort of like Swanepoel. She’s really hot, but how many of you even knew this girl’s name before these rankings? OK, even if you did, she still hasn’t done anything yet except for smile and have some pictures taken in front of a camera.

No. 23, San Francisco Giants: Susan Sarandon/Eva Amurri Martino

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Well it appears that Nils has finally bit the dust as the dominant team in the NL West. Nils decided to rebuild this year and the team has taken a nose dive. After 11 years, there can’t be a whole lot left to accomplish. Nils has a lot of great young players now, Hosmer, Lawrie, ect. It is a matter of time before he is a contender again. Nils went from being old, like Susan Sarandon, to young, like Eva Martino. If you’ve seen That’s My Boy (which didn’t suck), they play the young and old version of the teacher Adam Sandler knocks up. Eva is Susan’s daughter, and she is pretty hot. Hopefully for Nils the rebuild turns into that, and not Susan Sarandon.

No. 24, Seattle Mariners: Cameron Diaz

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At one point in time, the Mariners were without question the best time in the AL West, even though the team consisted of Edgar Martinez, Barry Bonds and nothing else. Those guys are now eligible for the Hall of Fame and Ropers is going to be eligible for a Top 10 draft pick. Ropers does have good, young talent like Adam Jones, Freese, Altuve, but it just isn’t clicking. Speaking of someone that used be great, Cameron Diaz looks pretty terrible nowadays don’t she? Sheesh what happened? I know The Mask was almost 20 years ago, but she was attractive in the 2000s. Now, well, no, she’s not. There is hope for Ropers squad. There isn’t for Cameron.

No. 25, Chicago Cubs: Michelle Beadle

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Another year, another losing season for the Cubs. Hope is not lost though, as Chicago has a really nice rotation, really, one of the better ones in the IBC. Still, the Cubs won’t be headed to October in 2012...and there was a time where Gabe’s franchise (Marlins, too) was a regular contender for the playoffs. Beadle was once ESPN’s shining star, but a fall from grace there now has her with NBC. Which hey, that could be a career upgrade, but she isn’t looking any better than she usually does. The Cubs/Gabe haven’t had much success since moving to the NL Central either, but the skies are looking a bit better next year.

No. 26, Colorado Rockies: Adrianne Palacki

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The Rockies shook the league up when they traded for the once untouchable Tim Lincecum, but 2012 just hasn’t been the year for Colorado or Lincecum. Jake’s Rockies find themselves well out of playoff contention, and they’ve taken a beating with injuries this year to Dan Haren, among others. Still, the Rockies have some good pieces...but they just haven’t put it together even since losing that fateful Game 163 in 2009. Palacki just hasn’t taken off since Friday Night Lights, and took a lot of crap for being cast as Wonder Woman. Maybe both the Rockies and Palacki will take off soon, but until then, they’re perfect for each other as they underachieve.

No. 27, Philadelphia Phillies: Amber Heard

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Let me be honest with you. I don’t know a lot about Amber Heard. I know she’s really hot, and I know she’s a lesbian, or bisexual, or something. Whatever. She’s hot. But I couldn’t tell you one thing she’s been in. The Phillies were once the hottest team in the NL East, winning the division in 2010, and Nick, of course, won the first-ever IBC title a decade (!!!) ago. And the roster looks pretty good now, rebuild and all. There’s some pieces missing, sure, but that’s every roster. It’s only a matter of time before the Phillies are good again, and it’s only a matter of time before I can name something Heard has been in. I think.

No. 28, Baltimore Orioles: Amanda Seyfried

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Here’s another girl I can’t tell you much about. But she’s actually pretty hot, and there’s a lot to like...even if she hasn’t really been in many movies. Or many good movies rather. Whatever. She’s been ranked as one of Hollywood’s hottest young stars, and if we ranked teams’ farm systems, Baltimore would be pretty close to the top -- or at least, under-25 rankings (remember Paul, guys?). Baltimore might not be good in 2013, but they’re very close to being a dangerous team.

No. 29, St. Louis Cardinals: Rosie Jones

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The Cardinals were once the class of the IBC, winning the 2007 championship and coming a game away from winning back-to-back championships in 2008. Since then, it’s been downhill, culminating in a full blown rebuild for Aaron’s Redbirds. The Cards have maybe the best farm system in the league now though, and have a bright future if things pan out. Rosie Jones, who is she? Well, she is 22 years old and apparently a model. Really, really good looking as you can see. How she’ll turn out in another 4-5 years when she’s in her prime is up for debate, but for now, she’s damn hot. The Cardinals could turn out exceptionally hot in 3-4 years, or, they could end up like Lohan. Let’s hope nobody ends up like Lohan except Lohans.

No. 30, San Diego Padres: Abby Wambach

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The Padres are the worst team in the IBC. There’s some bits for the future, and it’s quite possible San Diego can compete next year, as the NL West doesn’t look as strong as it has in the past. Still, ugly team, and on course for one of the worst in IBC history. Abby Wambach is popular right now because she’s a soccer player on the US team in the Olympics, and she has muscles. The Padres have some muscles, but they’re not showing us anything right now. Maybe in the future. For now, ugly, but athletic...like Wambach.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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Mets
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Post by Mets »

As always - great job guys. I had a good chuckle over a few of these.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Athletics
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Post by Athletics »

Great Job, I hope one day I get a girl I don't have to do a wiki search to know where she came from.
"My shit doesn't work in the playoffs. My job is to get us to the playoffs. What happens after that is fucking luck."

LAA 11 - 15 331W - 479L
LAA 16 - 20 477W - 333L 17-20 ALW
OAK 21 - 22 214W - 110L 21-22 ALW
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Post by Mets »

I don't care which girl I get as long as Bren keeps getting ugly ones.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Yankees »

Fantastic guys - though I am pissed you went with Abby instead of Kevin Bacon face.
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Post by Cardinals »

Thanks guys. And Z, we try our hardest not to repeat anybody from past years. I don't think we did this year.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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Guardians
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Post by Guardians »

Yes, another good job by the duo of Aaron and JP. Never heard of my chick, she's pretty bland and has no ass, but it could have been much worse, though. See #s 16, 18, 24, 30.
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Post by Nationals »

Tigers wrote:Yes, another good job by the duo of Aaron and JP. Never heard of my chick, she's pretty bland and has no ass, but it could have been much worse, though. See #s 16, 18, 24, 30.
What's wrong with #16?
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Post by Guardians »

Not my type. Too pretty.
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Post by Astros »

I know some of these dames were obscure but this was year 4 or 5 of the hot chicks rankings, we'd used the upper echelon of hotties already
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