1. Pittsburgh Pirates: Kate Middleton
Must be good to be royalty when you’re a goofy looking SOB and get to nail something that looks like Kate. Princess Kate has been the on again, off again girlfriend of Prince William for quite some time, and now they’re married and she’s really hot. She’s on the cover of every magazine you see in any checkout line. So why do we, as Americans, care about British royalty, didn’t we fight 2 wars so we didn’t have to care? I don’t know, she’s hot, that’s why, I have nothing more to say about her. If we had an IBC version of a hottie, it would be the Pirates roster (not that JP’s not a sexy beast). He’s once again got the Central wrapped up at the beginning of September and is the team to beat in the NL. The past 2 Octobers that’s been the case as well, but he’s been knocked off. Maybe this is the year of his coronation, maybe this year the Pirates win the crown.
2. New York Yankees: Anne Hathaway
Ho hum. Another year, another division title, another No. 1 seed in the AL playoffs. The Yankees are looking to repeat as IBC champions and claim their third title in the first decade of the IBC. Anne Hathaway is pretty damn great looking, and her exposure is only going to grow as she takes on the role of Selina Kyle in the new Batman movie next year. She’s been on the top before, and could likely be on the top again, just like the Yanks.
3. San Francisco Giants: Julie Bowen
Remember Happy Gilmore’s girlfriend? Yeah this is her now, much, much hotter than she was 15 years ago. After Happy Gilmore, Bowen did a number of tv roles but nothing on anything great, until she got one of the starring roles on Modern Family, the one comedy worth watching on ABC. Now she’s back in the spotlight, having a cameo in Horrible Bosses where she is smoking hot. Good for her, 3 cheers for sexy ladies. Nils, well, he’s aging gracefully too, as yet again he is going to win the NL West. Nils ain’t getting 3 cheers from any of us for his good fortune, but at least he’s finally winning a quality division, unlike 2002-2006.
4. Boston Red Sox: Miranda Lambert
Miranda burst on the scene with the first season of Nashville Star as a 19 year old from Texas, placing 3rd in the competition and scoring a record deal out of it. Determined not to be pigeonholed as a random pretty blonde girl singer, she wrote her own songs that had a dark side to them and gained a big following. In 2010 she was nominated for a record 10 ACM awards and won 4. She’s only 27 and already drawing comparisons to country legends like Loretta Lynn and could wind up as one of the all time greats in the genre. Plus she loves to hunt and fish, she’s basically my dream woman, but stupid Blake Shelton beat me to her. Pat’s built himself a young team full of guys with a world of potential. He’s currently overtaken Pat B and has the Wild Card lead, which is his only route to the playoffs. The way his team is currently set up, maturation, good drafts and a trade or two and he’s a legitimate threat to JB, just like Miranda is a legitimate threat to be one of the 5 greatest female country singers of all time when all is said and done.
5. Arizona Diamondbacks: Minka Kelly
Nobody knew who Minka Kelly was before 2006, then she got one of the major roles on Friday Night Lights on NBC. While the show was a critical success, ratings never matched the quality of the show and it was moved around, then went to DirectTV. Then she stayed in the headlines cause Derek Jeter’s not content with being a shitty old baseball player, he has to still bang hot chicks too. She’s going to star in the Charlie’s Angels remake on ABC this fall. While she looks great, she’s still not accomplished much of anything. Which brings us to Jag. On paper this team looks fantastic, look at that rotation, 4/5 of it is under 30 and all of it is filthy. The lack of a true closer this year is solved next year with the emergence of League. This guy’s had Rickie Weeks on the bench all year! But when it comes down to it, Jag is still only good on paper, his IBC accomplishments come out to 2 NLDS losses in 5 games. Until he moves to the NLCS, and moves ahead of Nils to be the team to beat out West, he’ll still be something good looking that lacks substance. Not that we wouldn’t hit that.
6. Florida Marlins: Beyonce
The Marlins are back on top of the NL East, but what else is new? The Marlins are on the verge of clinching their third NL East crown in the past four seasons, and also boast two of the best players in the league with oh, I don’t know, Troy Tulowitzki and Justin Verlander. Like the Marlins, Beyonce is back in the spotlight - but this time because she’s pregnant. We’ll ignore that for now, though. Beyonce at her best is easily among one of the best looking women in the world, much like when the Marlins are at their best, they’re among the best teams in the IBC. We’ll see if this is the year that the Marlins can represent the NL in the World Series.
7. Chicago White Sox: Heidi Klum
Jim finds himself on his first ever IBC playoff berth, four games up with just two full weeks left to play and riding an eight game winning streak is only helping that cause. The White Sox aren’t exactly the sexiest team around, but they’re still pretty solid. Trading their ace in Ubaldo Jimenez before the deadline was a strange move, but it’s helped the White Sox maintain their lead. Heidi Klum is apt for the White Sox because while she’s still great (Chicago is currently on pace to be the No. 2 AL seed in the playoffs), she’s just shy of magnificent - partially thanks to motherhood, and partially thanks to age. The White Sox are good, but not great - but just getting into the playoffs is a great feat as it is, and anything can happen once you’re in.
8. Oakland A's: Hope Solo
On the surface it seems good. Hey the A’s are in first place, beating a powerhouse in Texas all year long. Look beneath the surface and boy is it ugly. Huston Street as your #1 starter, an incomplete lineup, old guys, if BP ever gets going this team should be left way behind cause I have no clue how it’s winning at the moment. Hope Solo, oh man she’s sooooooo hot because the Women’s World Cup was going on and there had to be one attractive chick on the team, right? Well we collectively decided that Hope was our best hope (yep I’m resorting to puns). It was all a trick, google her when she’s blonde, nothing special right? With dark hair she’s okay but let’s not make a fuss over her. Let’s not make a fuss over the A’s either, cause if they somehow win this division, they’ll be home quick come October.
9. Cincinnati Reds: Pippa Middleton
Pippa and her fantastic ass stole the show at the royal wedding. She was the maid of honor as her sister married the future king. How do you steal the show from someone that’s marrying the freaking king? You have a fantastic ass! That’s literally it, and now that there are not a billion people watching a camera zoom in it on, well, nobody’s thinking about her. Ken stole the show in last years NLCS, using a lot of sim luck to knock off JP’s Pirates in 6 games before losing to JB in 6 in the series. This year, Ken’s been in the Wild Card hunt most of the year, but Jag’s opened some ground on him now and may be starting to pull away. If that’s the case, no amount of fantastic booty is going to help Ken.
10. Toronto Blue Jays: Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Anniston has been around for almost 20 years, ever since Friends debuted in 1994 and became a huge success. Pat’s clubs have been a huge success since 2002, when the IBC began. Now both are at a crossroads. Aniston hasn’t done TV since the end of Friends, and she’s starred in a lot of movies that have bombed. If she’s in a good movie, it’s not because she makes the movie good (like say, Horrible Bosses) and now she’s in that dangerous over 40 Hollywood area for women, where as soon as the looks go, so does the career. Pat’s got an old team and an underwhelming rotation that is still in the Wild Card hunt, but he has been overtaken recently by the other Pat in Boston. This may be the last rodeo for this group of Jays, and if Toronto’s not around come October, the wise thing to do may be to rebuild. If Pat’s talent leaves him for greener pastures, at least he won’t complain about it for years like Aniston getting dumped for the awesome and much hotter Angelina Jolie.
11. Texas Rangers: Shakira
Brett moved his two-time defending AL Central champion Tigers to the AL West this year. Brett’s Rangers were easily the heavy favorite to win the AL West this year, but a horrendous April has the Rangers fighting for a playoff spot as the season winds down. Shakira’s most recent album - that I can think of anyway - didn’t really do much on the radio ala Hips Don’t Lie. Seriously, did She Wolf ever get much airplay? Don’t think so. Regardless, the Rangers are talented, much like Shakira (even if she is like 3 feet tall), but we’ll see if talent is enough to win the division as the Rangers have a big hole to climb in the last two weeks.
12. Los Angeles Dodgers: Heidi Watney
For the second year in a row, the Dodgers are in surprise contention in the NL Wild Card race. Still, the Dodgers are somewhat of a longshot, sitting four and a half games back on September 13. The Dodgers do hold their fate in their own hands though, as Shawn’s club has two series left against the Wild Card leading Diamondbacks. If you don’t know who Heidi Watney is, then you need to watch more NESN, as she’s easily the best part of the Red Sox’ broadcast crew. While a job at NESN is nothing to sneeze at, looking at Watney and comparing her with other chicks at ESPN and Fox Sports, there’s reason to think that there’s room for her career to grow. The Dodgers certainly have room for growth themselves, with Jose Bautista looking like a top major league player, and with Martin Perez among others on the farm, the Dodgers should only get better - even if they miss the playoffs this year.
13. Kansas City Royals: Tyra Banks
With two weeks left to go in the season and the Royals sitting four games out, the odds aren’t in their favor to make the playoffs. Still, the Royals are going to put together a 90 win season almost certainly, which is nothing to sneeze at. Kansas City has a mix of veterans (Youk, Victor Martinez) and young talent (Morrow) and guys right in their prime (Lester, Ethier). Still, there’s something to be desired in KC. Tyra Banks is beautiful, has her own show (I think?) but there’s just something left to be desired with her. She’s not as good looking as Beyonce or Heidi Klum, but is no slouch either.
14. Atlanta Braves: Kate Upton
Brandon made a half-assed attempt to compete this year towards the middle of the year, and he failed. And that’s probably a good thing. Sacrificing the future when it’s so bright in Atlanta would have been foolish. The Braves are on the cusp of contention in the NL, and will likely do so as early as 2012. Bryce Harper and Dustin Pedroia in the same lineup in the coming years should be pretty scary for other teams in the NL, not to mention Logan Morrison, Nick Markakis (I still believe) and Alex Gordon among others. Like the Braves, Kate Upton has a lot of raw talent to work with. She’s also very young. Can you believe she’s 19? I can’t. But that’s ok. She’ll be around for awhile, much like the Bravos once they actually mature.
15. Detroit Tigers: Lacey Schwimmer
Nobody really knows much about Jeff Hay when it comes to IBC Business, but there’s certainly some talent on the team. Josh Johnson, if healthy, is a top 10 SP. Andrew McCutchen is a bad ass and Pablo Sandoval, Chacin, Snider et al are very good building blocks as well. Still, we don’t know what direction the Tigers will go in. They could be great. They could be awful. Who knows. I don’t. I don’t really know who Lacey Schwimmer is, but apparently she’s been on Dancing with the Stars for five seasons. Which explains why I don’t know her. Still, she’s pretty hot. Maybe the Tigers will end up being this hot, but really, Detroit is an unknown, and this is a good excuse to post a picture of a token, unknown, fake looking blonde girl that’s still pretty hot despite all that.
16. Milwaukee Brewers: Olivia Munn
Olivia Munn got her start in Hollywood hosting Attack of the Show on G4, that’s a show on a channel that only video game dorks watch, so I’m assuming none of you are that big of dorks. Anyways, all the nerds that watch G4 thought Munn was the hottest woman in the world and that’s all they talked about (I have video game nerd friends. Yes I have friends. Shut up). She jumped from that to an NBC sitcom called Perfect Couples. While the show was good, and much better than the awful Outsourced, it was cancelled before the season was over, now Munn is looking for work, though she is on The Daily Show. Ben started off the season well, he was hot out of the gate and even had the Wild Card lead in late May. Since then he has really fell off and is now vying with the Cards for 3rd in the Central, with a very slim playoff hope still alive. Ben’s kind of disappeared lately, and decided to play for the future. With the tough spot he’s in division wise, he’d better load up on prospects again cause the window of opportunity won’t be open for a bit, just like Munn needs to nail her next part to further her career. Also, she needs to nail me.
17. New York Mets: Emma Watson
The Mets are headed towards another sub-par season, and are all but guaranteed to finish under .500. In typical Anderson fashion, the Mets weren’t completely rebuilt, but, the Mets did begin selling off pieces earlier than usual this year. Some things have changed, though, as instead of trying to go all-in for this year, the Mets hung onto Ian Kennedy and Jeremy Hellickson, who look like they could form quite the formidable 1-2 punch in the IBC sooner rather than later. With an increasingly productive farm system and a solid first round pick, the Mets could be turning it around in the IBC much more quickly than the MLB. Why are they Emma Watson? To date, Emma Watson has really been a one trick pony from Harry Potter. But now she’s growing up and doing other things and could be destined for better things than Harry Potter. The Mets, likewise, should be destined for better fates than .500 baseball at their current rate, with a solid top of the rotation and star 3B anchoring the team.
18. Seattle Mariners: Sarah Michelle Gellar
When I, and quite a few of our fellow members, were in middle and high school, Sarah Michelle Gellar was one of the hottest women going. She was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, granted I didn’t watch it cause I’m not a dork, but she was hot and killed stuff, though for some reason I believe she was boning a vampire too on the show. I don’t know, it was the WB. Then she played a super whore in Cruel Intentions. Then she disappeared. She has a new series this fall, on the CW, which is the old WB, so she still can’t get on real network TV. Ropers had quite a run of success earlier on in the IBC, winning division titles in 4 of the first 6 years. Last year he won the AL West and shocked BP in the ALDS before getting clobbered by the Yankees. This year, well, not so much. He hung tough at the beginning but is on a downward spiral now. The offense looks okay for the future, but the pitching really needs some work. If he don’t get with it fast, he’ll find himself cancelled, like Gellar’s show will be by midseason.
19. St. Louis Cardinals: Alison Brie
Enough is enough apparently for Aaron and his Cardinals, as one too many injuries and poor seasons has forced his hand as he’s decided to start from square one and rebuild - and he’s got some pretty nice pieces to show for that. Consequently, though, the Cardinals are now going to be coming from the bottom up, needing to mature and progress in order to contend. Brie, likewise, has needed to prove herself with smaller roles before becoming a bigger name. Known best for the Community, Mad Men and Scream 4, Brie needs to continue to work at getting higher profile gigs to become a more recognizable actress. She certainly has the raw ability to do so.
20. Chicago Cubs: Katie Holmes
Both were once on top of the world. Now both are punch lines. Katie Holmes had the potential to be a huge star after her run on Dawson’s Creek, she had a few movies that didn’t do a whole lot, then was Batman’s love interest in Batman Begins. Then she got brainwashed by Scientologists, married Tom Cruise and adios career. She was replaced in the Dark Knight, but then thankfully that character was killed off. She had a chance to come back by playing Jackie Kennedy in the Kennedys miniseries, but since the Kennedys were actually going to be portrayed as they actually were and not the myth that’s sprang up around them, the family threw a shit fit and got it pulled off the History Channel. Gabe was on top of the world not so long ago, winning it all in 2006. A move back to the north side has coincided with a move south in the standings. Some of his moves are head scratching and he does have a decent rotation, but overall there needs to be a lot of changes before this team is good again. Gabe is against a full on rebuilding and until he faces the music, he’ll be in 5th every year, just like Katie will be lugging her kids around Hollywood.
21. Minnesota Twins: Joel McHale
Yep, we gave Andrew a dude again. Joel McHale is on the awesome NBC show Community. He plays a lawyer who was disbarred after it was discovered he never graduated college, then he has to go to community college to get any degree in order to work at his old firm. All the while, the gay dean has a crush on him, and Chevy Chase’s character repeatedly insinuates he is gay. Andrew is gay, which is why we gave him a dude. After a good run as the dominant team in the AL Central and a pennant in 2007, the Twins have fell off as of late. However they do have a lot of young prospects on the verge of being very good, with some vets sprinkled in. With BP gone, the Central is wide open and Andrew could be back as soon as next year. Until then, keep plugging away and get that degree.
22. Colorado Rockies: Jennifer Lawrence
Levine’s Rockies are an interesting team. Certainly, Jake has some high end talent with Julio Teheran and Desmond Jennings constituting two of the best young players in baseball. They’re supplemented by the likes of Ryan Howard, Adam Lind, Drew Stubbs and Ryan Lavarnway. Still, the Rockies don’t have it all there yet, despite having some nice pieces. Jennifer Lawrence clearly has some excellent talent. But what has she actually done? Don’t answer that, she’s probably been in some pretty good things, but in the mainstream, she hasn’t done too much to earn critical acclaim. Likewise, the Rockies have some nice pieces, but haven’t been IBC relevant since losing in Game 163 to Nils in 2009. Will 2012 be the year Colorado, and Lawrence, step forward?
23. Tampa Bay Rays: Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell first got everyone (ok the few people that watched UPN)’s attention with the starring role in the teen detective series Veronica Mars in 2004. The show was critically acclaimed and was one of the few things on UPN worth watching that wasn’t wrestling. Bell followed that up with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She’s followed that up with, well, not much. While Bell is only 31 and she’s hot, she needs to get things going soon to have a long career, otherwise primetime dramas or sitcoms will be her best route for success. Martin looked like he was going to have a long, successful IBC run as king of the NL West. His team was young and loaded and going into 2008 folks figured he would be on top for the foreseeable future. Then he lost Game 163 to Jag and everything fell apart. A move to the AL East for a rivalry with Tullar didn’t do anything either, as Pat has become a contender, while Martin’s become a contender for a Top 5 draft pick. Martin dealt 3 top 50 pitching prospects and his 1st for Votto at the deadline, so maybe Martin’s going for a change in direction. Nowhere to go but up.
24. Padres: Ke$ha
Bren decided to totally scrap his team and gut it of any productive MLB players, and he likely had the No. 1 overall pick in mind when he did that. Right now, he’s on track to have about the eighth overall pick in the draft to go along with a team of prospects. Not the worst thing in the world, but not the ideal scenario. Bren’s decision to hop on the prospect bandwagon is similar to Ke$ha’s decision to hop on the shitty music bandwagon. She tries so hard to be the next Lady Gaga (not sure if that’s good or bad, leaning towards awful), and fails so miserably, yet, she still has commercial success. Despite not being able to sing and having the body of a 38 year old male. Regardless, the Padres are trying to emulate the success of the Rangers and Diamondbacks, and on the surface, it doesn’t look like it’s working, but it just might yet as San Diego does have some building blocks to work with still.
25. Phillies: Natalie Zea
Nick had himself a playoff team last year, and like JP, was bounced by Ken’s Reds. Unlike JP though, Nick decided to blow up his team and rebuild it entirely. The Phillies have rebuilt nicely, and at this point also own the No. 1 pick in the 2011 IBC draft. The Phils should be making the NL East interesting in the near future. Natalie Zea isn’t that well known yet, but she has shown flashes of excellence in some of her roles, notably Justified and The Other Guys. She’s somewhat of a Hollywood vet at age 36, but likewise, Nick is an IBC vet, having been around since 2002. We should be seeing plenty more success from both Zea and Nick in the near future.
26. Anaheim Angels: SoCal Val
Who is this? Val is a ring girl/backstage interviewer for TNA wrestling, she’s also hot and redheaded so she is the rarest jewel of all, an attractive ginger. She’s been with TNA for 6 years now and is only 25, yet she’s done nothing of note besides being the Miss Elizabeth to Jay Lethal’s Black Machismo Macho Man Randy Savage impersonation. Stephen took over the disaster that was Dave’s roster last year and there’s been a little bit of progress. That being said, there is still a long, long way to go before the Angels are looked at as even a threat to be .500, just like Val needs to do more than take people’s robes to the back if she wants to be remembered.
27. Washington Nationals: Aisha Tyler
Right now Aisha Tyler is more well known for SOUNDING hot than being hot, though for a 40 year old broad, she is hot. Tyler is the voice of Lana Kane on the fantastic FX series (though everything FX does is great) Archer. She’s never had a big starring role, her most prominent gig being a recurring role on Friends near the end of the series. As for Z’s team, well, we’re still waiting on that first playoff berth. It’s a team that is starting to look like its coming together, but there’s quite a bit of work to be done. Z is still kicking though, and with a few more deals maybe he can right the ship. If we ever get a live action Archer movie, that could be Tyler’s breakout, but since H. Jon Benjamin looks more like an IBC member than a secret agent, that’s prolly not happening.
28. Cleveland Indians: Tawney Kitean
Tawney was the hot chick in Whitesnake videos back in the 80s. She was also in a couple of movies, then she married Chuck Finley, then she beat him up. Also she’s old and ugly now. Speaking of ugly, check out Kelly’s roster. Yikes! You got a lot of work to do hoss, so you best get with it and turn it into 80s Tawney
29. Houston Astros: Khloe Kardashian
The Astros simply aren’t good. In Dan’s first year as the owner of the Astros, he’s going to have the second worst record in the league. And that’s ok, he didn’t have much to work with. Still, the result is ugly. There should be lots to like, but there isn’t, and the future of the Astros depends on how well Dan can draft this year and how his prospects develop. Khloe Kardashian is the ugliest of the three Kardashian sisters, but is still somehow, someway famous. Houston hasn’t had the prettiest rebuild, but there still might be something there to at least get the Astros into relevancy in a couple of years.
30. Baltimore Orioles: Kendall Jenner
Steve’s Orioles are awful. They could very well lose over 120 games, challenging Brandon for worst IBC team ever. But there’s still a future here. There’s a lot of great prospects on this team with Lawrie and Shelby Miller leading the charge on the farm. The O’s added Domonic Brown and a top 10 pick in exchange for the No. 1 overall pick, so more talent will be headed to Baltimore for 2011. Still, it’s way too early to judge what this team will be. Just like Kendall Jenner or Kardashian or whatever her name is. Pedo bear stamp of approval for under age!
