June 26 Power Rankings

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Astros
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Name: Ty Bradley

June 26 Power Rankings

Post by Astros »

Courtesy of me and JP, would've had them up Thursday but we had technical issues

1. Pittsburgh- ribs; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DcA6lUTjKk. Ribs are great. You feel like a lion when there’s a plate of them in front of you, eating the meat and discarding the bones for the buzzards and hyenas to pick at. Smother them in BBQ sauce and pig out. It is a scientific fact that ribs are one of the best meals on the planet. One of the best teams on IBC planet Earth is the Pirates. Yet again, JP is setting the pace in the NL and should have the Central all but locked up by the All Star break. The Pirates have fought through injuries to key players like Holliday and Josh Johnson and continue to break away from the pack. Will this finally be the year JP breaks through and gets to the World Series? Right now the rest of the NL excluding Nils is a pile of bones he’s left in his wake.

2. New York Yankees- Bacon.

What doesn't bacon make better? Isn't bacon basically the ultimate topping? You can have bacon at breakfast, bacon on your burger at lunch, bacon on your potato at night. It's f*cking awesome. Much like JB's team, sitting at 50-26, despite having lost Mauer, Feliz and Hamilton for extended periods of time. Will the Bronx be able to withstand a Pujols injury with Toronto and an up-and-coming Boston team on their heels?

3. San Francisco- fried chicken; Fried chicken is simply the best, there are few foods that are on par with it. Who dislikes fried chicken? They’re probably hippies or communists. Fried chicken is almost universally good no matter where you get it from, the grocery (Wal-Marts is fantastic), restaurants (if you’re ever in Pigeon Forge, TN, try the Old Mill’s), or doing it yourself in a pressure cooker (that’s how the Colonel got started) or skillet. Drumsticks, breasts, wings, on a picnic, Sunday dinner, a quick snack, it’s versatile and delicious. Shit, I’m hungry now, thanks power rankings. Nils has always been universally good too for the most part. Once again he is running away with the NL West, and Nils has been in the playoffs almost every year since 2002. He has been the dominant team in the NL throughout IBC history. The playoffs are almost certain once again, but dealing off Phillips and a return to earth of Juan Uribe could mean trouble scoring runs for this team. It doesn’t matter, Nils secret recipe for success is a well kept secret that only he has access to, but it’s working.

4. Toronto- steak; Steak is fantastic. If you’re a man, you like steak. It is near impossible to beat a great steak. A great steak is going to cost you quite a bit though. You can go to your local Texas Roadhouse and get an okay sirloin for $10, or you can go to a nice steakhouse and pay $30 and get top of the line beef. Treat yourself sometimes, it is worth it. The Jays are like steak. They’re always at the top of the heap, they’re always winning, nothing it seems, can stop them. Pat’s made the playoffs almost every year the IBC’s been in existence, won a World Series (cause he wouldn’t play me h2h, CHICKEN!), and this year he’s once again in the thick of the Wild Card hunt. The rise of the Red Sox has to be a worry, is this a changing of the guard? Time will tell, but for now give me a ribeye, medium.

5. Boston- Meatballs.

Our resident meatball shop expert (Levine) will be able to tell you more about meatballs than I can, but, meatballs are in. First off, spaghetti and meatballs is classic and great. But now meatballs are a growing fad. There's meatball shops in New York that serve, yup, meatballs. This is something that could end up catching on everywhere, just like the Red Sox. Tullar's team has cooled down since their strong start, but still own an excellent run differential and are right in both the Wild Card and divisional hunt. We'll see if Tullar's Sawx can hang around, or if they'll go by the wayside in 2011.

6. Florida- Clam Chowder.

Too easy. The Fish needed to be seafood, and chowdah is one of the best soups. The Marlins should be able to sleep walk to the playoffs this year, as they've done in years past. Still, the Marlins have yet to head to the World Series. That's why they're chowder. It's a great appetizer, but clam chowder isn't going to bring you home. The Marlins haven't - yet - but easily could break that this year with Tulo and Verlander leading the Marlins. Some chowder sucks pretty bad, but the Marlins are the good chowder - something from say, Boston Beer Works, and not Panera. Panera chowder really sucks.

7. Chicago White Sox- Soft Shell Taco.

There's not a ton of difference between Kansas City and Chicago, other than the fact that Kansas City currently sits in first. The Royals have the better offense, but the White Sox have the better pitching. How does that make them a soft shell taco compared to a hard shell? I'm not sure, but, they're just so similar that they might as well be similar foods. Combine the two and you'd have a really awesome powerhouse team, like a freaking double decker taco inside a KFC inside a Taco Bell inside a mall. That'll be the beauty of the AL Central race this year, though, as two pretty even teams try to make the playoffs.

8. Kansas City- Hard Shell Taco.

Tacos are great, and obviously come in two different forms. Hard shell or soft shell. You can get a lot of stuff in it, meat, steak, chicken, shrimp, fish (yuck), you can get it at taco bell or Moe's, or you can go to an actual restaurant and get tacos. Most tacos are great, some are mediocre, some give you the runs. That's sort of what Kansas City is. Some flashes of greatness, mediocrity, and the runs. The Royals are in first in the AL Central, with a good record, and they've got some star power...but something isn't quite totally right with this team. It's good, but not great, and you get the feeling the bottom could fall out...or that it could soar and make the playoffs. Much like you feel when you eat a taco from Taco Bell.

9. Arizona- grilled chicken sandwich; Grilled chicken is good, chicken is good almost any way you cook it though. Throw some lettuce and tomato on it and you’ve got your vegetables for the day out of the way too. The thing about grilled chicken is that, while it’s good, it never really fills you up. It seems like there’s always something missing. It seemed like Jag’s team had taken the torch from Nils in 2008 and would be the new power in the NL West. They missed the playoffs in 2009, won the West with 90 wins last year and are in the thick of the Wild Card hunt this year. That’s going to have to be the route they take to get back to the playoffs. Grilled chicken just isn’t the best chicken right now.

10. Cincinnati- Calzone.

The defending NL Champions aren't playing like it currently, but, when do they ever? You never expect Ken's teams to be awesome. Yet, he still somehow wins. Nobody really gets more out of his players in the IBC than Ken, who just somehow finds a way to win. Sure, the Reds are in a bit of a funk now, but they're still right there in the Wild Card race and figure to be until the last day of the season. How is this like a calzone you say? Remember being in elementary school and it being calzone day for lunch? And you'd think, "fuck, that thing looks gross." But then you ate it and it was great. That's kind of what the Reds are like. They aren't the sexiest team on paper, but they win.

11. St. Louis- Reuben.

Reubens are great. There's lots of ingredients in a reuben, and you can do without a lot of them for me (sauerkraut, I'm looking at you). Still, they're effing delicious. Like a reuben, the Cardinals have lots of parts to them. Before the season even started, the Cards lost the best piece of their team in Adam Wainwright. Still, St. Louis is playing .500 ball and have a better RD than Cincinnati and aren't far off from Arizona's. Like a good sandwich, you need all the parts for it to be good. Aaron already lost his ace, he'll need to stay healthy otherwise he can kiss 2011 goodbye - but if he does, he'll be a sandwich just missing one part - possibly good enough to win the Wild Card.

12. Oakland- Big Mac.

Oakland is in first place in the AL West in late June, but it doesn't really look like even Hamlin believes in his own team, selling off pieces after losing prized possession Buster Posey for the season. Still, the gritty, gutty, grimy A's are in first place. Who knew? They're kind of like a Big Mac. You go to McDonalds not expecting a lot out of it, I mean, it's a Big Mac. It's good for what it is, but you know it's nothing special. But you know what? Sometime the Big Mac just wins. It's one of the most popular burgers world wide (maybe the most popular? probably), so it does something right besides be priced extremely cheaply. Who knows, maybe the sim lords above will continue to have the A's move along.

13. Los Angeles- Arby’s roast beef sandwich; There’s a lot to like about Arby’s, but there’s a lot to dislike as well. Arby’s is pretty high quality as far as fast food goes. Their roast beef sandwich is good, but it never fills you up. It’s a bit on the expensive side, for what you pay for a meal deal at Arby’s, you can get carryout from a sit down place. Still, there are a lot worse options if you’re hungry than this place. Right now, Shawn is an option for the Wild Card. He’s got some good young players and Jose Bautista. If he decides to play for next year that may be the greatest trade chip since Barry Bonds, though with Bautista and Heyward he won’t have to worry about who else he throws out there and can win with that (look at Ropers old teams, that whole offense was Bonds and Edgar Martinez). If the Dodgers are going all in for this year, they need to upgrade the offense somewhere and pray the bullpen all keeps performing way over their heads. Otherwise it may be safe to pass Arby’s up and look for a better option.

14. Texas- 5 Guys Burger.

Yes, the Rangers are under .500 and ranked 13th. Texas' run differential is plus, and, well, they have talent everywhere. HanRam, Reyes, Cabrera, Utley is now healthy, Beckett, Oswalt, Shields and a pretty solid if not great bullpen. The problem is, they're all underachieving. You have to believe that at some point, the sim will come around and these players will start playing well. That's sort of like a 5 Guys burger. The burger is very good, but you expect more. It's just really big, which I'm not complaining about, but the taste of the burger is a lot of grease and the bells and whistles that you get to put on ("free toppings"). Still, 5 Guys is good, but not quite as good as it should/can be. That's sort of Texas right now.

15. Seattle- Bacon egg and cheese.

Yep, the Mariners are contending again. That's not really a shock per se, but like the Rangers, they have a mediocre record - still, better than Texas. What separates Texas from Seattle is the sheer talent on the team in Texas. The Mariners, though, are the reigning champs in the AL West - and they did advance to the ALCS last year...which is why they're bacon, egg and cheese. A BE&C sandwich is something you eat for breakfast, or if you're really drunk in the wee hours of the morning. The Mariners haven't yet taken their team to the World Series despite making the playoffs a slew of times. Can the Mariners be more than a breakfast food and get not only back to October but bring a pennant and title to Seattle? We'll see.

16. Atlanta- pork chop; Pork chops are a very underrated meat to center a meal around in my opinion. I never consider ordering a pork chop when I’m at a restaurant, but I generally grill a pork chop for supper once a week. You can fry them, grill them, broil them, put fancy herbs and spices I don’t own on them and cook them in the oven. They’re tasty but when you think of a pig, you think of bacon, ribs or ham, not pork chops. For a time when you thought of the NL East, you thought of Brandon’s Braves leading the way. But after winning 108 games in 2007 and losing Game 163 in 2008, Atlanta was blown up and went full rebuilding mode. After two years as the worst team in the IBC, Brandon is in 2nd in the NL East but is still a ways off. Right now the Braves are a pork chop, but soon enough they may be ribs.

17. Detroit- grocery store rotisserie chicken; Ever been walking through the grocery store, not sure what you’re going to eat that night? Then boom, right by the deli is your answer, sitting under a heat lamp, where it’s been all day, is a rotisserie chicken. All of your problems are solved. Of course that chicken was prepared 9 hours ago and now it’s marked down to $3.99, but hey, it’s a meal! That would cost you $15 at a fancy restaurant, what a steal! After years of being the NL Central punching bag, Shawn decided it was high time to pack up and move. He took over the Tigers once BP left for Texas. The Tigers have fell off recently and are now below .500. It’s probably time to slap the $3.99 sticker on some of the veterans on the team and gear up for next year.

18. Chicago Cubs- Dominoes pizza; Dominoes is a pretty famous pizza chain, heck their mascot even had an NES game in the late 80s (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yo!_Noid Who else had Yo! Noid? Wasn’t it awesome?). However, Dominoes was considered such shitty pizza by nearly everyone that ate it that they had a nationwide marketing campaign to convince people their food was no longer terrible. It’s still pretty low on the chain pizza hierarchy and that’s probably not changing. Gabe won his title in 2006 and boy was that a long time ago. Since then he has tried many times to reinvent himself, but it’s never worked and he still refuses to have a farm system. Last year he dealt Jose Bautista away, whoops. There’s some pieces here, like Kershaw, Gio Gonzalez and Marmol, but there’s a ways to go before people are going to have a craving for the Cubs.

19. New York Mets- $5 footlong; As far as sandwich shops go, Subway is pretty mediocre, they skimp on the meat, only have chips as a side, there’s not a lot to offer. The thing is, Subways are everywhere. Gas stations, around the corner, there’s probably one being built in your yard as we speak. Plus Subway has rebranded itself as the healthy fast food place, and you can get an okay sandwich for $5, so hey why not? Aside from 2006 and 2007, John has been pretty mediocre. He has the beginnings of a nice rotation with Hellickson, Kennedy and Sanchez, but there’s little else here. The pen is almost nonexistent and the lineup is old guys that won’t bring much in trades. There are some prospects that are far away, but maybe John can build off this pitching nucleus and climb above .500 sooner rather than later. Otherwise no amount of catchy jingle will get you to buy these guys.

20. Philadelphia-chili; Chili is usually pretty good and if you make a pot of it, you can eat on it for a few days. Chili is also a commitment, because if you make it, you’re going to eat on it for a few days and you get tired of it before too long. Nick’s teams, after his 2002 title, were always a middle of the pack, 81-90 win team that never made the playoffs, good but not great. After making the playoffs last year and losing to Ken in the NLDS, Nick decided to blow the whole thing up and retool. It will be a little while before Nick is a contender again, but he has a very good, young pitching staff to build around. The offense is a ways behind, but patience, good deals and good drafts will have Nick ready to contend sooner rather than later.

21. Milwaukee- Buffalo Wild Wings chicken wings; For a long time, Hooters was the chain restaurant to go to in order to watch a game with buddies and have some wings, also to drink too much and hit on the waitress and fail miserably. Lately, Buffalo Wild Wings, or B Dubs as many call it, has gained steam, because they have more TVs, more games, and the waitresses don’t get pissy when you’re there for the game and not to stare at them. That being said, their food isn’t good. It’s a tad bit overpriced too and if a local team is playing, good luck getting the game you want to see on any TV (2 years ago me and my best friend went to watch Alabama/Va Tech and had to watch Louisville/some I-AA school on every TV). Their best trait is the variety of sauces they have for their wings, but all wings are prepared exactly the same, fried then the sauce is put over them. Ben started off the year hot, leading the Wild Card for a bit, catching everyone by surprise. After finishing .500 last year, it seemed that maybe this year he was gonna shock the world and be in contention all season. That great start has been followed by a terrible nose dive and he’s below .500. The pitching staff is below average and the offense is starting to come back to earth, so go to Hooters and look at hot chicks, don’t order these wings this year.

22. Minnesota- corn dog; Fair food is good, when you’re at a fair. Walk down a midway, you’re going to crave a funnel cake or a corn dog. There’s nothing wrong with a corn dog, but there’s nothing great about a corn dog either. It’s just sort of there. Even the best corn dog in the world isn’t going to hold up to a decent meal elsewhere. Andrew’s team was good for a while, making the World Series in 2007. There’s some good pieces in Minnesota like Hosmer, Baumgraner, Kemp and Montgomery. The trick is going to be filling out the rest of the roster. With BP gone to Texas (the novel Gone to Texas is what The Outlaw Josey Wales is based off of btw), the AL Central will be up for grabs every year, so a quick retooling by Andrew could have him back in the hunt sooner rather than later. He’s already rebuilt once, at least this one won’t take as long.

23. Colorado- Lamb stands (NYC).

The Rockies are mediocre once again. After going to Game 163 in 2009, Colorado hasn't done much of anything, and this year is going to be another one of those years. What are the lamb stands you ask? Delicious street cart food in New York City. Lamb over rice. Great, but not something that's going to totally satisfy you. You usually really look forward to the lamb, but if something goes wrong, it's not the best - like putting too much hot sauce on it. The Rockies have three of the best prospects in baseball on the horizon with Teheran, Taillon and Desmond Jennings. They've also got Porcello, Butler, Lind and Chatwood in the bigs right now, so the future isn't so bad for Colorado - there's a lot to look forward to, like lamb stands.

24. Tampa- Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Martin's squad is once again going to go through another rebuilding/losing season. There's a lot of nice parts to this team, like Hamels, McCann, Turner, Drew, Ellsbury and Romero. Still, there's lots to be desired. Martin's Padres were always supposed to win the division, but never could make the playoffs. Lots of great parts, the sum just was never greater than the whole. Stuffed crust pizza was such a good idea, but it falls flat. The parts are there, I mean, it is pizza afterall, but it's whatever. There's certainly hope for the Rays with a very good farm system, but Tampa needs to start winning.

25. Anaheim- McDouble.

The Angels, well, Dave left them in shambles last year. They aren't much better this year, and there's still a lot of work to be done in the future still. There are some nice prospects here, but none are truly earth shattering. There's still Jered Weaver, who is having an excellent MLB year thus far. Brett Jackson will also provide some offense in the coming years, but this team isn't much as of yet. Kind of like a McDouble. It's cheap, it works, but the reason you get it is because, well, its only 99 freaking cents. The Angels right now would be priced pretty cheaply too if we had a value on franchises here, but, with a good draft this year, things could change.

26. San Diego- A random Chinese dish of your choosing.

The Padres suck. That's by design, though, as Bren is looking to rebuild. He's made some curious trades along the way, but it's Bren. And here he is, sucking it up, but not as bad as you'd expect a team with like, four simmers to do. There's some to like here for the future, but when you load up so heavily on prospects, you never know what to expect. Kind of like when you order cheap Chinese food. It could be awesome, it could totally suck. Who knows, it could be delicious, or you could be on the can forever. For now, the Padres of Whales Vagina suck.

27. Washington- bologna; My grandpa has ate a bologna sandwich every day for lunch for 62 years, since he got married. Habit is about the only way you’d eat bologna, though if you fry it is can be tasty. The point is bologna ain’t any good and you’d rather not eat it. The Nationals have some decent players on the team but a lot of them, excluding Matt Cain, are on the wrong side of 30. Z’s teams underperform every year and this year is no exception, as a veteran laden team has bit the dust. Best thing for Z to do is sell off all these vets to contenders and go into a full fledged, BP level rebuilding mode, cause nobody wants bologna unless there’s nothing else to eat.

28. Houston- Kid Cuisine; TV dinners for kids! Hey look it has a penguin on the box; that means it has to be frozen, get it? Kid Cuisine had some good marketing when I was growing up, and their commercials made me ask for some at the grocery. Frozen chicken nuggets/fish sticks/hot dogs don’t sound as fantastic now as they did then, but I was 5, I didn’t know better. Houston is full of kids too. This team is going to be awful for a while, which is perfectly fine by me. Half the roster is currently picks and guys not in the sim. This kind of retooling effort is the only option. Better stock up on TV dinners cause nothing better is coming out of Houston for a long time.

29. Cleveland- boiled hot dog; Does anyone over the age of 10 find a boiled hot dog to be any good? Personally, unless it’s on the grill or at a ballpark, I won’t touch a hot dog. Plus, who knows what is in a hot dog, probably nothing you want to eat. You’re only going to eat it if you have to. Cleveland, well, you don’t really want those players on your roster unless you have to. If help is on the way, it is very far away and nowhere near the majors. The MLB roster is terrible, I doubt any of these guys would be on the active roster of a team near the top of their division. Like a boiled hot dog, this team will probably make you throw up eventually.

30. Baltimore- Mozzarella Sticks.

The O's, thanks to a nice long losing streak, are now owners of the worst record of the IBC. So they have to be last. This is Steve's second full year, and no, the results aren't there yet, but on the farm, Steve is building quite a team. Shelby Miller is one of the best prospects in the game, period, and he and Phil Hughes (if healthy) could be one of the best 1-2 punches, and soon. Trevor May looks great as well, and of course, there's Moustakas, Lawrie, Ike Davis and Jordan Zimmerman. The foundation is there, another great draft class, and the O's could be well on their way. Kind of like Mozz sticks. They're not quite something you'd get for dinner, but it's a good appetizer. You feel kind of gross if you overdose on them, just like you can't OD on prospects, but fuck, fried mozz is so good. The O's, too, could be so good, but for now, they're awful.
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BlueJays
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Post by BlueJays »

Fuck yea we're awful. Number 1 draft pick here I come!

Good work guys, good read.
"Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax."
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Athletics
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Name: Stephen d'Esterhazy

Post by Athletics »

Great write up.

I do have a cheap team and do not mind because in the AL West, it looks like one game over .500 will win a division title.

Would be interesting to see team salaries...maybe I will work on that.
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