Courtesy Aaron and myself. Movie character themed - Star Wars removed since we did a whole set on them alone a few years back.
1. Pirates: Michael Corleone. Nobody is as hell bent as JP is about winning the IBC and becoming legitimate. Ever since he first moved to the NL Central in 2007, JP has been convinced he was winning the World Series. Last year he knew he was winning, nothing was stopping him, until Nils came into the Steel City and dethroned him. This year, the Pirates started out slow, at one point being only .500 in May. An IBC record winning streak put the Pirates in first, and now they have a legitimate shot at the all time wins record. With a studly rotation and a powerful offense, not to mention a shut down bullpen, it could be time for the Pirates to make everyone else strike their colors and hoist the trophy while sailing down the Monongahela in October. Michael Corleone, the head of the Corleone crime family, the most powerful mafia in New York. A war hero, the only thing wrong with him is his horrible taste in women, Kay, really? Michael kills the men who tried to kill his father and after returning to America, orchestrates the murders of the heads of all the other mafia families to consolidate his power (look at JP’s rotation, he might as well have shot Moe Green in the eye while he was getting a massage). In 5 years the Corleone family will be completely legitimate. Will it take 5 years for JP to ascend to the top of the IBC, or is this finally the year when he gets a banner at the top of the page? If he doesn’t, look for him to be more like Sonny than Michael and go on a hit spree.
2. Yankees: Terimnator. While the Yankees are No. 2 in the rankings, they're the perennial powerhouse year in and year out and always the preseason world series favorite. JB's roster is ridiculous. There's not much to say about it. The Terminator is also ridiculous. There's simply no way to kill him, you can just hope to contain him. We're all trying to dismantle and defeat big T-800 but while we might knock him out of the playoffs every year sans one, he's always back and better than ever and winning 100+ games. One of these years he's going to just rattle off second and third titles.
3. Tigers: Rocky Balboa. Last year, Detroit powered through AL East "powerhouse" opponents in New York and Toronto en route to Mo Town's first crown. The Tigers have a team that has a solid chance of repeating in 2010 with a lineup up and down that is tough as nails and Beckett/Oswalt at the top of the rotation. Much like the Tigers, Rocky Balboa had to overcome all odds to become a champion. It took Rocky lots of intense training and some downs - much like all those losing Tigers seasons searching for the right prospects - but it paid off for both the Tigers and Rocky. Now the Tigers are a force to be reckoned with.
4. Reds: Cole Thornton. Another year and Ken has another playoff appearance all but wrapped up. A move to his beloved Reds has been just what the doctor ordered, as Ken is currently running away with the Wild Card and gearing up for another postseason. The Reds are a strong team and will be dangerous come October, so don’t underestimate them, like we always seem to underestimate Ken at the beginning of every season. Cole Thornton, for those of you unfamiliar, is John Wayne’s character in the movie El Dorado with Robert Mitchum and James Caan. Thornton is a gun for hire, who turns down a job for a corrupt rancher that wants him to run off a family that is impeding his water rights. Thornton gets shot and suffers spells of paralysis in his gun arm. In the final showdown at the end of the movie, Thornton faces off with another hired gun, though his arm is in a state of paralysis. Being underestimated, Cole hops off the wagon and shoots Nelse McCloud and kills him. Never underestimate a hired gun and never underestimate Ken.
5. Phillies: Jim Lovell. Philadelphia has a problem, namely injuries. Nick has already lost a lot of good players this year and namely Jake Peavy for the year. The Phils want in the playoffs and have made moves for this season such as getting Ryan Raburn for the stretch run. The Phils have finally taken over first place and could be back in the playoffs for the first time since 2002 when he won it all. If he does, he will have managed to get through a major crisis of injuries to return to October. If there were ever a movie character (or real life assuming Apollo 13 wasn’t staged like the moon landing) that handled unexpected adversity, it is Jim Lovell. After the oxygen tank exploded on Apollo 13 to cause major damage to their spaceship, Lovell is able, with the help of the crew, to make enough repairs to pilot safely back to Earth, having to skip a moon landing in the process. While Nick’s playoff chances aren’t a life or death situation, it would be quite a feat for him to pull this off.
6. Blue Jays: Jake McCandles. “Jacob McCandles? I thought you were dead.” “Not hardly!” Every year it seems, people wait for Pat to fall off. Every year, Pat wins the AL Wild Card. At this point, I think we all need to agree not to assume Pat is finished until he actually misses the playoffs. Until that point, he is alive and well and one dangerous man. Jake McCandles is the main character in the last John Wayne film to be #1 at the box office, Big Jake. After his grandson is kidnapped, he hunts down the kidnappers and kills them all, even though most people think he has been dead for some time.
7. Twins: Spartacus. It’s Andrew, we had to give him something from the classical world. For the first part of the history of the IBC, Andrew was probably the worst team in the league. As time went along and his prospects matured into bonafide major leaguers, Andrew became the first real power to emerge in the AL Central, winning 3 straight division titles and represented the AL in the 2007 World Series. After missing the playoffs last year for the first time since 2005, the Twins are currently a game out of the AL Wild Card and may be ready to have another trip to October. Spartacus was a slave who was forced to be a gladiator. He then led a slave uprising and was the most notable slave leader during the Third Servile War. While the revolt was initially successful, once Roman legions were sent against them, the slave army was destroyed and the 6,000 survivors were crucified along the Appian Way from Rome to Capua. Hopefully Andrew doesn’t meet a similar fate.
8. D'Backs: Veronica Corningstone. Jag and his D'Backs could be en route to the playoffs for the second time in three years. They're pretty young and it looks like they'll be here to stay for the forseeable future with a nice rotation and lineup. Veronica Corningston, much to the behest of Ron Burgandy et al., was with the local news to stay too. As much as the guys didn't take to her and wanted her gone, she eventually took over Ron's job. I doubt that Jagger's got Corningstone's rack, but I could definitely see him telling Bren, "Go fuck yourself San Diego." Whether or not Jag holds on and wins the division and goes deep into the playoffs will go a long way to tell us whether or not he's here to stay ala Veronica, or if he's just another blonde with tits for us to take lightly.
9. Mariners: Henry Rowengartner. The Mariners are in a good position to make it back to playoff baseball which has been absent from Seattle since 2006. With a six game lead in the loss column and the eventual (hopeful) return of Morneau, Ropers just needs to hang on and not collapse and he'll make the playoffs. Of course, the AL West saw the biggest comeback in IBC History last year so Ropers should be on high alert for that. Regardless, the M's are like Rowengartner - not because Ropers is a rookie - but it's more or less right place at the right time. The AL West is obviously the punch line of IBC Divisional jokes, but Ropers and the M's are still firing those fastballs for now. Will his arm snap back to normal before the playoffs or will the M's be back drinking the champagne?
10. Nationals: Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell. What a crazy year it's been for the Nats. Z and his Nats got off to such a hot start - holding the NL's best record into late May. The Nats season has been up and down - and it's currently down as the Phillies have taken over first place, but this one won't be over till the bitter end. Beanie Campbell was leading the Old School frat attack, coercing Mitch into starting the frat house. They had a great time partying for awhile until the wheels fell off the wagon and boom, the house was closed. Still, they fought back and ultimately got a bigger and better frat house. Will Z get that bigger house and their first playoff appearance or will we all be doing earmuffs while Z curses this offseason about injuries?
11. Red Sox: Robin Hood. If there were ever a team trying to rob from the rich, Pat T’s Sox would be it. Pat currently sits a couple games out in the AL Wild Card and his young squad is primed to be a team to be reckoned with for the next few years, especially when his stud prospects hit the big leagues. For now, it appears Pat is content to try and win with what he has, which probably isn’t enough to overtake Pat B and certainly not JB. Robin Hood of course is the hero of medieval Britain that robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. While Robin Hood and his band of merry men battled the evil sheriff of Nottingham during the Crusades, Pat is fighting the evil of the Yankee empire, and perhaps will be able to pluck a few wins away from that juggernaut before all is said and done.
12. Dodgers: Peter Gibbons. The Dodgers seemed to be stuck in a daze this year playing about .500 ball. That's basically what was expected of them though - but LA now as a chance to possibly overtake the NL West sitting only six games back. Peter Gibbons was stuck in a daze, too. Then all of a sudden, he realized he didn't give a shit anymore and was free and then he and his buddies devised a scheme to steal fron Initech. Shawn hopefully isn't stelaing from our pockets (look at those ads...), but he'll steal some wins down the stretch and next year and possibly make the playoffs one of these next two years.
13. White Sox: Simba. The White Sox looked like they'd be pretty good this year and should have been division and wild card contenders. Injuries and simply bad luck - the South Siders run differential earlier this year was much better than their record - have prevented Jim's team from taking the next step to the playoffs. There's a lot of talent on this roster so we'd have to think it's only a matter of time before the White Sox earn a trip to October - but we also thought Nate would win a World Series and that JB would have about 10 crowns by now (and yes, this is only the 9th year). The White Sox are like Simba before Simba's confronted Mustafa. Simba is really nice and I'm not sure what kid growing up didn't enjoy the Lion King and Simba, and I'm not sure who really dislikes Jim. But still, the White Sox don't have that bite yet. They'll need to throw Scar off a cliff in order to get that winning edge and what does that even mean in terms of IBC things? I don't know.
14. A's: Lloyd Christmas. Well here we are about to enter September and the gritty, gutty A's have went ahead and added Manny Ramirez in last ditch effort to catch Brennan's Mariners. Once again, Hamlin finds himself only six games back in the loss. So what I'm saying is...there's a chance. Just like Lloyd had a chance with Mary Swanson. The AL West really is like Dumb and Dumber, a comedy of...well, just a comedy at times. But regardless, they must send somebody to the playoffs and with Manny, there's a chance that the A's can make it.
15. Brewers: Hans Gruber. Hate to do it, but at this point we have to: Stephen Strasburg. Ouch. Ben's Brewers were actually in Wild Card contention until the past few weeks which is pretty remarkable given they were the worst team in the league last year. Still, an improvement isn't going to make Ben happy at this point. Ben had a plan to compete in the near future and without Strasburg, that might be difficult. Gruber thought he had devised a plan to make a fortune but he was thwarted - yippie kay yay motherfucker. Ben had devised a plan to potentially thwart JP, Ken and Aaron and lead the Brewers into the playoffs, but it wasn't John McClane who foiled him - it was Strasburg. Or maybe the ghost of Mark Prior and Ryan Anderson.
16. Marlins: Robby. Dan is currently hovering around .500 and in 3rd place in the NL East. He is sure that he is going to make a run and make the playoffs for the 3rd straight year. He very well might, but crowing about it and having people gunning for you for the chance to end your playoff hopes isn’t the way to sneak in. Robby is Joe Dirt’s nemesis, played by Kid Rock. He thinks that he is hot shit, thinks he has an awesome car and thinks that Brandy is in love with him so he runs Joe off to LA to be a janitor. In the end though, Joe gets the girl and Robby is just a tool.
17. Cardinals: Dr. Richard Kimble. The Cards were in the playoff race for about half the year and now find themselves about to be eliminated from the NL Central race mathematically. St. Louis went from a win away from a repeat title to, well, rock bottom since this looks like it'll be his worst year yet. Kimble had it all at one point too - wealthy and successful. Then he was framed for killing his wife and was then on the run from the cops before justice was eventually served. Aaron's currently on the run, not from the cops, but the Reds and Pirates have chased him away from the playoffs. Will he be able to bounce back next year like Kimble would? We'll find out.
18. Royals: The Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” This is Jason’s 3rd season in the IBC. His first year he took the Orioles to 100 wins and came a hair away from the AL Wild Card, getting beat out by eventual champ Pat on the last weekend of the year. Last year the O’s came crashing back to earth, prompting a move to KC. The Royals hung tough for the first half of the year, but currently sit at .500 and have been fading. Most of this is being done with smoke and mirrors, much like the Wizard. The Wizard was a giant green head inside the palace in Oz and wouldn’t send Dorothy back to Kansas. Then it was discovered the Wizard wasn’t really a wizard, but rather a man using gadgets to appear powerful. Right now the Royals have used their tricks up, time for something substantial to occur or else the house may fall on them like it did the witch.
19. Rockies: McLovin. Just as we all remember the Rangers of '09, we remember the Rockies of '09 - Levine was nearly the first GM to take the Colorado franchise to the playoffs, but Nils forced a Game 163 on the last day of the year and Levine lost out. Now Levine is in transition mode and has picked up some pretty nice players to build around with Porcello, Teheran, Jennings, Morrow and how about Omar freaking Infate? Anyway. McLovin was never taken seriously by his friends - yet he came through in the clutch with the fake ID and bought all the alcohol. Then he nearly sealed the deal with the ginger (or was she a daywalker?) but the cops (best characters in the movie besides McLovin FYI) ruined that party for him. Point is, McLovin came just short of sealing the deal like Levine last year. Still, with the way they took him out of the party house looking like a bad ass, McLovin had some loving in his future, much like Levine has wins in his future if he plays his cards right.
20. Giants: Davy Crockett. People expect things from Nils, just like they did from Crockett (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MctLfC57 ... re=related start at 4 minutes). Sure, the Giant s currently trail in the NL West by double digits, but everyone figured Nils was dead last year and he went to the World Series. Sure the Giants are most likely done for this year, but Nils knows how to pull of deals and you can never count him out, no matter how bad his team appears on paper. He will fight until the end and it is best to not underestimate him, as the NL playoff teams found out last year. In the newest, and best version of the Alamo, Billy Bob Thornton gives an awesome portrayal of David Crockett, not making him out to be superman like Fess Parker or John Wayne did. Crockett is just a normal man who happened to gain fame and goes to Texas to restart his political career but winds up at the Alamo. Knowing that all the men see him as Davy Crockett the legend and not David Crockett the man, he does what is best for everyone except himself and meets his fate, which makes him immortal. Watch the clip, it does this much more justice than I could. Then watch The Alamo, especially if you’re a history buff, because the historical accuracy is fantastic, it is well acted, I love this movie.
21. Astros: Buzz Lightyear. The Astros aren't going anywhere this year and seem to be stuck in neutral. Lape is usually thinking for the future and plotting - and he's made a couple good moves recently most notably picking up Andrew McCutchen to anchor CF in Minute Maid Park. Buzz Lightyear is always dreaming and thinking too. Remember when Lape told us he'd make the playoffs in 2009? Well...that didn't happen, nor in 2010 - but one of these years Lape will actually fly like Buzz tried so hard to prove.
22. Angels: Gordon Bombay. Anyone taking over Dave’s roster would have to be considered in over their head. Stephen has managed to do a decent job and hey, the Angels ain’t in last place so that’s something! He appears to know what he’s doing, so maybe we have a competent GM in LAA for the first time in years. Plus, it’s the AL West, if there were ever a division where a quick turnaround could be done easily, that is it. Gordon Bombay, hot shot lawyer, gets a DUI and has to do community service in the form of coaching pee wee hockey. His team is terrible, he hates it, but since it is a Disney movie, the team comes together, starts to win, Bombay quits his job as a lawyer and everyone learns a lesson. Still, it’s a good movie, and maybe Stephen will have a happy ending one day.
23. Orioles: Ricky Bobby. Steve's Orioles haven't won much this year and that's to be expected. We weren't going to see a miracle run in Baltimore ala Gudim of 2008, but Steve has a pretty set plan. There's lots of young talent here and a top of the rotation eventually featuring Hughes, Matusz, Shelby Miller and Gio Gonzalez? That's potentially pretty bad ass - not to mention all the other pitchers he has. While Steve hasn't experienced success like Ricky Bobby did, he's certainly taken to the mentality, "If you're not first, you're last" - Steve doesn't want to mortgage the future to be a 70-80 win team, he wants to maximize the value on his roster and it looks like he might be in first soon. Well. Maybe of the Wild Card since JB is kind of good, but you get the idea.
24. Mets: Carl Spackler. “The Cinderella story, outta nowhere, a former greenskeeper now - about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac - It's in the Hole!” John can thank Brandon for not being the worst team in the NL East. The Mets have struggled mightily this season and John has had his share of struggles ever since moving to the NL East. From a second place finish in the NL West in 2007 to a 5th place finish this year, things havent’ looked good. The Mets lack a real direction and really are just kind of here for the time being. Who is more in the background than a greens keeper, well until said greens keeper destroys a golf course to try and kill a gopher. The most beloved and most quoted character from Caddyshack had nothing going for him, except for gaining total consciousness on his death bed, which is nice. BTW, Bill Murray improvised all of his lines for the movie. Awesome.
25. Cubs: Detective Allen Gamble. Not much is happening in Chicago. Gabe currently sits in last, but a free falling Cardinals team may save him from that fate. As we all know, Gabe refuses to ever rebuild, or have a farm system, or anything that takes a long term commitment. Every year he trades for guys that will be good for this year. Every year, he finishes in the bottom half of the division. There’s no risk involved in trying to win now because it isn’t a far fall to the bottom. Speaking of people that don’t take risks, do you have your scaffolding permits in order, because Allen Gamble will be on your case if not. Will Ferrell’s character in The Other Guys is a desk cop that enjoys never leaving the office and doing paperwork because there is no risk involved. Nobody’s going to shoot him there and he is still performing essential duties for the police force. I’m sure a lot of you haven’t seen this movie yet, so I’m not going to put in any spoilers and just stop here. But don’t go chasing waterfalls.
26. Padres: The Penguin. Well here we are. Nearly at the finish line, not the quarter line, and the Padres are in last place in one of the lesser divisions in the league for 2010. Bren still insists that he left the AL East because he was cockblocked by somebody who can't finish the deal. Maybe Jag will take home a ring this year, but quadruple cockblocked? Sounds like a chick I don't want any part of. The Penguin was looking to be the mayor of Gotham...but was thwarted by Batman. While Bren wasn't trying to frame anybody for murder, he did call out JB with the cockblocking. And now where is Bren? last place - much like the Penguin found himself dead.
27. Rays: Buford T. Justice. I’m sure right now we can all picture Martin shaking his fist at the rest of the AL East and screaming “I’ll get you you sumbitch!” It wasn’t long ago that it looked like Martin was building a potential powerhouse in San Diego. He had a lot of young players and it was just a matter of time before he broke out and took over the division. In 2008 he lost a 1 game playoff to Jag for the title, dropped off significantly last year and after moving to have a rivalry with Pat Tullar, has dropped to last in his division. Sheriff Justice knows exactly what Martin feels like. He chases the Bandit from Texarkana all the way to Atlanta in Smokey and the Bandit, getting his car destroyed in the process and never catching his prey. At one point he unknowingly has a face to face conversation with Bandit in a restaurant while chasing him. But, the farther along the chase got, the worse shape Justice was in. Martin’s team seems to have the same troubles. Somehow JP hasn’t seen this awesome movie, if you’re a giant loser like him, be cool like me and go buy it and watch it ASAP. You’ll quote it for days.
28. Rangers: Robocop. Who else has been left for dead? Texas has been through 2 GMs this year and is currently unoccupied. Seth had to resign after work took up too much time for him to pay attention to the league and his assistant GM just wasn’t any good. Then Tim came into the league and proceeded to do nothing for a month and got the boot. Now we’re looking for a GM with staying power. Robocop was a regular cop that got shot to bits. There was enough life left in him to make him into the crime fighting machine that was Robocop. There’s no way this movie could’ve been made in any decade other than the 1980s, much less spawn so many sequels. Also, little known fact, to hide a knee injury to Sting that prevented him from wrestling Ric Flair, Robocop came to help Sting fight off the 4 Horsemen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGUJYLDgR8k). Poor Arn Anderson. Yes, WCW is out of business.
29. Indians: Roger Dorn. “I thought you said we didn’t have any high priced talent.” “Dorn? He’s just high priced.” Everyone remembers when Kelly came into the league with his roster full of aging DHs. He was convinced he was going to win the AL Central and was hot shit. Then reality set in and the truth was a different matter. Now the Indians are stuck in last place and it doesn’t look like they’ll be getting out of the cellar anytime soon. The Tribe also just dealt away their 1st rounder, so hard to see the future being bright. Roger Dorn was the 3rd baseman in the great movie Major League, which I’m assuming we’ve all seen or your league membership is hereby revoked. I’m not kidding, we’ll bring it up in ExCo. Dorn wasn’t very good, he was old and he thought very highly of himself. Then Ricky Vaughn banged his wife.
30. Braves: Ron Burgandy. We all know that Brandon wanted to rebuild coming into this year. It's one thing to rebuild - but Brandon is on pace to have the worst team in IBC history from a record standpoint. It's going to happen folks. We might have the Pirates break Nils' win record and the Braves break Grant's losses record in the same year. The Braves mirror Ron Burgandy to an extent. Brandon was a playoff team and a contender and then that game 163 happened against the Cardinals that Aaron will tell you about for weeks. Ever since, it's as if Brandon's team was fired ala Burgandy. Completely in a spin and out of control. Soon, somebody will punt Brandon's dog off a bridge too. The Braves do have a nice future with lots of good prospects- so maybe they can revive their team and career ala Ron.
August 31 Power Rankings
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Cardinals
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August 31 Power Rankings
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
