1.) Pirates
Megan Fox. For JP, it’s déjà vu all over again, as for the second year in a row he gets Megan Fox and for the second year in a row, the Pirates started slow but have came on strong and look to run away with the NL Central crown. There were even rumbling’s that JP was going to quit, but the longest winning streak in IBC history coupled with the 4 best pitchers in the sim and a solid offense have the Pirates ready to plunder the NL in October. Currently considered by many to be the hottest chick on the planet, Megan Fox is on top of the world, but for how long? She just married Brian Austin Green, how in the hell he pulled that off we’ll never know. To date the only successful movies she has been in are the 2 Transformer films and she won’t be in the third. Right now she is coasting on her looks, but sooner or later you have to have some sort of success to stick around in Hollywood or else you’ll go the way of other failed hotties like Kristy Swanson and Elisha Cuthbert. JP is a lot like Megan at the moment, hot, riding the wave at high tide. But if there’s not some hardware in the Pirate trophy case in October, at the very least an NL pennant, people will start to wonder if he’ll ever win the big one.
2.) Yankees
Brooklyn Decker. Ho hum. Another year, another Yankees run away division. What else is new, right? What's to really say about JB's team? I guess CF is his weakness this year, but he'll be adding Desmond Jennings soon. I guess his bullpen has a little less depth sans Feliz and Papelbon, but he only added Halladay to get that. Whatever. Another year, another SI Swimsuit cover model for the Yankees. They're the hottest thing going right now, much like Brooklyn Decker is. I think Spike? or something honored her as hottest girl alive. But she hasn't really done much besides be really, really, really hot and hook up with one of the most overrated tennis players of our time. The Yankees will need to win a second title otherwise they might enter that overrated territory, much like those Braves teams of the 90's. Still, you won't see me betting against JB in the playoffs.
3.) Tigers
Jessica Alba. The Tigers have the AL Central on cruise control and it looks like the defending IBC champions will have a legit chance to be the first two time IBC champion and the first back to back champion in IBC history. They're a bit banged up right now as Wieters, Utley and Dallas "get the fuck off my mound" Braden are on the DL, but they've built a sufficient lead that it shouldn't matter much as long as they're back for October. Jessica Alba used to be a champion herself too, then she had a baby. If you recall, she was the subject of a "Who's the hottest around" poll a few years back between her and Cuthbert. But yeah, she had a baby. Has anybody seen her lately? Quite easy on the eye and damn near pre-child looks. The Tigers might not look as tough on paper as they did last year, with some DL hits and losing some key pieces (Nathan, Pedro), but they'll still be able to kick plenty of ass.
4.) Nationals
Kelly Brook. The Nationals have had quite the season. They had the NL's best record well into May and then hit a horrendous losing streak, lost Cruz to the DL (and violation) and Lowell to the DL (and violation). But here the Nats are, atop the NL East and gaining momentum again. When you look at Z's team, it's kind of surprising that he's had so much success. Not that the team is bad, but there's just not a lot there beyond a couple stars (Cain, Cruz) and then a lot of role players and depth. Kelly Brook, for those of you who don't know her, is really really hot. One of the nicest bodies you'll find. But when you look past that, what does she do? Not a whole lot. She just has a good face, nice legs and a massive front yard. Ok, I just "just" lightly there. But still, in her career (do we care though, really?) she hasn't done too much and there's not much there besides her looks. Looking at Z's resume in the IBC, there hasn't been much there, and looking past his record, there's not much there to get truly excited about - but the team wins and Kelly Brook gets her picture taken. A lot. Much to the delight of men everywhere.
5.) Reds
Courtney Cox. Ken has staying power that much we all know for sure now. His NL Central titles in Houston were written off as something of a fluke. His move to the NL East and subsequent playoff misses were seen that things were back to normal. Then he took the Wild Card last year and has one of the best records in the IBC while in Cincy this year. It is going to be tough to run down this team for the numerous Wild Card contenders, but some injuries that just hit may hold the door ajar long enough for someone else to sneak in. Courtney Cox started acting in the mid 1980s and became a star when Friends took off. Once Friends went off the air in 2004, most people figured she was done as a successful TV personality, no doubt remembering the various failed ventures of the folks of Seinfeld. That was pretty much the case until 2009, when Cougar Town premiered on ABC and became a solid show. Now it appears she is back and sticking around, just like Ken.
6.) D'Backs
Ashley Greene. The D'Backs always seem to have a pretty talented roster and this is one of those years where everything looks to be breaking the D'Backs way. Bren came into the division and sits in last making the division easier, Shawn is looking like he's a year away, the Rockies are in between and the Giants are beat up and have no offense. The D'Backs are young, talented and poised for success but still haven't achieved much in the IBC. Ashley Greene is the big girl star in Twilight (no, I haven't seen it and I hope you haven't. If you have, we might have to kick you out) who also looks poised to have her career take off. She'll have to do some more respectable roles to attain worldwide appeal, much like the D'Backs will have to win consistently and go deep into the playoffs to really attain success.
7.) Blue Jays
Sandra Bullock. Once again we’re at the All Star Break and Pat is leading the AL Wild Card race, just like seemingly every other year in memory. Pat started off slowly; there were mumbled whispers of this being the year his run of success finally ending, with his roster aging. Then around when interleague started, Pat went on a run and passed Pat T to take over the Wild Card. Speaking of people aging gracefully, how about Sandra Bullock. She’s about to turn 46, which may as well be 80 in Hollywood years for attractive female actresses and has been around getting top billing since 1994 with Speed. Her career has had its highs and lows, but in 2009 she banged out an Oscar winning performance for The Blindside as well as a very enjoyable (that’s right I saw it and liked it) chick flick in The Proposal. Her star has never been brighter despite the adversity she has waded through thanks to her dipshit ex husband. Pat’s star is still shining bright and this year could end with him holding IBC hardware once more.
8.) Mariners
Jenn Sterger. Ropers had a great extended run during the early years of the IBC. He won the NL Central in 2002 and the NL West on multiple occasions. The past few years haven’t been kind to the M’s, but this year they sit atop a weak AL West and appear securely on their way to a playoff berth. Without some moves to improve the team, the trip to October will be short lived. Everyone remember the hot FSU cowgirl from Facebook? Well now she has a nightly show at 11 on Versus that is kind of like their version of Sportscenter. Yes I know, it’s Versus, who cares, but it’s something, and if Versus could ever get on every basic cable package they could be a nice alternative to ESPN. As for now, she is a big fish in a small pond, much like the M’s.
9.) Red Sox
Elin Nordegren. Pat has been a surprise team this year, as for most of the first half, it was the wrong Pat in second place in the AL East. Now a sense of normalcy has returned and it appears Boston is falling back to earth rather quickly, but if the 2007 O’s taught us anything, teams like this can hang around all season. The future is very bright in Boston and next year they should be a real challenger for the AL Wild Card. Elin was Jasper Parnivek’s nanny and got introduced to Tiger Woods and married him. Then Tiger slept with scores of skanks and now Elin is hot, Swedish, single and has hundreds of millions of dollars coming her way. That’s right, somewhere out there is a hot, single, Swedish hundred millionaire that would consider you a good catch if you only cheated on her with one person that isn’t a porn star. Game on fellas.
10.) Phillies
Jenna Fischer. Nick Perry, IBC Champion. It can go on his headstone someday. As successful as Nick has been over the years, as many wins as he has accumulated, 2002 is still his only trip to the playoffs. That may change this year. A freefall by the Nats put the Phils in first for a while, but at the break they are 2 games behind Z’s squad. Nick has been killed by injuries this season and just lost Peavy before the break, so it could be a tough road ahead, but with a weak division and some teams playing beneath their potential, this could be the year. Jenna Fischer has been the girl every guy has feel in love with since The Office started on NBC. She has been able to parlay that into roles in some successful comedies, such as Blades of Glory and Walk Hard. She has never been able to break out and be the big star she has the potential to be, but she has repeatedly said she is quite happy being on a successful TV series. While it looks like Jenna is content where she is, you know Nick is not and will be looking to get better and get back into the playoffs for the first time in almost 10 years.
11.) Brewers
Alice Eve. Ben took a pounding last year, seeing firsthand how tough the NL Central is. This year is a different story, as his offense is playing way over its head and he currently sits in 3rd in the NLC with a very remote chance of the Wild Card. The future is farther off than it seems though, as the offensive cornerstone is Micah Hoffpauir, not exactly a guy you’re going to build your team around, though the pitching staff has a bright future. Alice Eve is British, blonde and bonerific. She starred in She’s Out of My League, and believe me she was the only thing worth seeing in the movie. Now that she has her name out there, the question is can she take off and become a star, or wind up being one of the dime a dozen hot blondes struggling to get roles in Hollywood? She’s going to be in an upcoming X Men movie, but if it’s as shitty as Wolverine was that certainly won’t help her career.
12.) Twins
Brooke Hogan. No man for Andrew this year, well as far as we know anyways. Andrew is 3 back in the Wild Card, and after missing the playoffs for the first time in 3 seasons last year, he is looking to rebound and regain his winning ways. He has no chance of winning the Central, but the Wild Card is very doable. You know who isn’t very doable? Brooke Hogan. Look at her parents, she had no chance of being attractive. She’s famous because her dad was famous because he was pushed to the moon by someone that knew how to market despite having no real talent (think of every Hogan feud, when a friend turned on him. Was Hogan not always in the wrong, but somehow the good guy? Paul Orndorff, Andre the Giant, Macho Man, ect). Oh and she can’t sing either. There’s no real connection between her and the Twins, we just wanted to give Andrew an ugly broad. Diamonds are forever, and so are the Horsemen. WOOOOOOOOO!
13.) White Sox
Cobie Smulders. Jim has been around now and if he didn’t give away Kershaw and Tommy Hanson, he’d be challenging BP for the Central title. As it stands, he has a shot at the Wild Card and is still set up to become a contender in the future. For now though, he has to hope he can scratch and claw his way to October. Cobie Smulders, who is that? She’s Robin on How I Met Your Mother and that is all she has done. But hey, she’s hot, she does her part to make an ensemble comedy successful, she’s still young, there could be a future here. Time will tell how successful she will be, and the same thing can be said for the South Siders.
14.) Rockies
Cheryl Cole. The Rockies really took the league by surprise last year when they essentially led the NL West all year until the very last day when San Fran caused a 163rd game, and we all know the rest. Those were really the Blake Street Bombers as that Rockies team holds the IBC record for Team Slugging in a season. Anyway, the Rockies are still in striking distance now - only 6 games out of first in the NL West. Is it likely they'll make the playoffs? Probably not. But they will be getting Marquis and Wang (ha) back soon and stranger things have happened (Seth). For those of you who don't know Cheryl Cole, she's in one of those British pop bands, Girls Aloud. And she's really f'ing hot. And she's a judge on X-Factor in Britain too, but she's yet to really explode and become a global star. She's got the talent to though, well on the eyes at least. The Rockies have a chance to explode as well, as they have a pretty good base of talent with Rollins, Ordonez, Borbon, Konerko, Morrow, Lackey (down this year, but he's still good) Porcello and Adams. Oh yeah, Julio Teheran will be on the way soon too. The Rockies, like Cole, could explode onto the IBC scene soon and become the first team from Denver to find themselves in the playoffs in IBC history.
15.) Cardinals
Elisha Cuthbert: How the mighty have fallen lately. The Cardinals won the championship in 2007, the pennant in 2008 and won quite a few games last year but were on the outside looking into the playoffs. Now, the Cardinals enter the break at 44-44 and in 4th place - only a half game better than 5th place Houston. The Cardinals still have time to turn the ship around, though, as they look to get healthy in the second half. Elisha Cuthbert used to be the bees knees, starring in 24, the Girl Next Door and we all know her from Old School. She's gone from one of the hottest girls in the world and have almost faded into a dime a dozen blonde category - but she's still Elisha Cuthbert. And judging by recent pictures, she could easily get herself back to the top of the heap again - but it'll take some work and another good TV or movie role. Much like the Cardinals will need to make some moves to return to prominance.
16.) Dodgers
Scarlett Johanesson. To put it bluntly, the Dodgers sucked for years in the IBC and then won the division in 2007 before missing out in 2008 and returning to being bleh in 2009. LA will be getting Edinson Volquez back next week and that will be a nice shot in the arm for Shawn as he tries to flag Jag down. Even if he can't, the Dodgers are set up really nicely in the future led by the J-Hey kid. Having the Mexecutioner in the pen is pretty bad ass too. Anyway, the Dodgers might not catch the D'Backs this year, but they could. Johanesson was once thought to be drop dead gorgeous but then kind of got progressively less hot as time went on, but having seen some pictures of her lately, she's got her mojo back. Some would argue she was never gone, but those some aren't doing this write up. Either way, she's back and it looks like the Dodgers could very well be back as well.
17.) Royals
Olivia Wilde. Gudim fled the AL East and who can blame him really? Too bad for him, the AL Central is just as tough as the AL East is this year. The Royals have hung around for awhile, but their run differential suggests they'll fade fast. The team has a nice bit of talent with Wallace, Davis, Anderson and of course Lester. They might have missed the Sell High boat on Joba, Damon and Bartlett and that could cost the team in the long run, or maybe they'll all come around soon. Olivia Wilde, somehow, someway, was #1 in Maxim a couple years back. Don't ask me how. Just like the Orioles somehow won 100 games in the AL East two years ago, someway, somehow. They didn't make the playoffs. Wilde is hot, but has she taken off with any big role besides House? Not really. The Royals will need to continue adding good, young talent to their roster in order to take off. Wilde needs another role besides House and then maybe I'll hold her in a bit of higher regard, but, as of now she's a dime a dozen Hollywood girl to me.
18.) Giants
Salma Hayek. Nils is always around and I think at this point in time the safe assumption would be that somehow he is always going to hang around. Last year he made it to the World Series when he had no business being a playoff team, at one point having his entire rotation on the DL. Now he is under .500 and 9.5 back in the NL West, but who knows, never count him out. Selma Hayek is another person that’s been around forever. She’s really hot, has a huge rack, need to know anything else? Well she’s in her mid 40s, so she’s precariously near the fall of a cliff part of attractiveness that older women are at, so things could get ugly soon. Nils better hope he is nowhere near the cliff, because it’s a long climb back up.
19.) Marlins
Marisa Miller. So we saw Big Papi play some 2B this year when Dan was MIA. Now that he's back sending lineups...he puts Micah Owings at 1B. OK. He does have a good hitting projection though, but still, OK. And he's been hit pretty hard by injuries too - Aram, Tulo, De la Rosa. That's not easy to recover from especially when you factor in he wasn't really here in April. With the Phillies and Nats kicking ass this year, the Marlins might find themselves left out of October for the first time since Dan took his team and his talents to South Beach (see what I did there?) Still, Florida is in striking distance. Marisa Miller is getting a bit old. She's no longer the go-to Victoria's Secret model. But she's still pretty hot. Anybody see her at the dumb celebrity all-star softball game the other day? Not too shabby. She'd still get it done for most anybody, much like the Marlins can still make the playoffs, but, the window for this year will close soon if Florida can't find some consistency.
20.) Astros
Sophie Turner. The Astros are hanging in there this year. OK, they're 18 games out of first but who's counting? Besides me of course. Still, the Astros are pretty much playing .500 ball this year which is an improvement. There's clearly some talent to work with on the roster, but Lape may regret not holding out for Latos in a deal for Billingsley. Still, Gonzalez, Snider, Buchholz, Tillman, Kendrick, Medlen, Bard and Volstad are some pretty good building blocks for any team. The Astros just have to do something with it somehow, and they're in a tough division to do that. Sophie Turner is really, really hot. 50% of you probably don't even know her by name, or know her at all, but clearly as we can all see - hot. She needs to do something with it to establish her name in the mainstream, much like the Astros need to do something with their talent in order to translate it into success.
21.) Padres
Jodie Foster. At the quarter pole, the Padres were in first place. At the midway mark, they're in last. And hurt. Bye bye Pedroia, bye bye Luke Scott, and happy trails to Erik Bedard. Well, I guess he'd have had to pitch first to say happy trails. The Padres just aren't going anywhere this year - and they don't have a particularly young team. It'll take some work in the offseason and at the deadline to get San Diego in a position to really compete with Arizona, Colorado, SF and LA next year but it can be done as the Red Sox do have some good players to build around in Pedroia and Dunn. Jodie Foster as we all know, is an old washed up lesbian. Who Bren finds really hot. It's been awhile since Bren has really made a run into the playoffs (2006) and it's not looking like they'll be there this year. It's been awhile since most anybody thought Jodie Foster was hot...especially men. Bren is on the verge of fading into washed up lesbian territory if he doesn't do something with his team soon to rebuild it a bit. Maybe Foster will come out with some awesome movie and people will forget that she's washed up and an ugly lesbian, and maybe Bren will compete soon. What's the Vegas odds on either happening first?
22.) Orioles
Blake Lively. Steve was a new addition to the league last year and entered the minidraft where Nate's roster was dismantled. He entered with Brandon, John and now departed Dave. Looks to me that the Orioles have come out the best here, with Phil Hughes at the top of the rotation and Matusz, Gio Gonzalez, Moustakas, Fowler, Shelby Miller and plenty of good, young talent on the way. It's the AL East, so it's always tough to win there, but the AL East just wasn't what it used to be lately. Though, Tullar's Red Sox should be rising for good soon, but still, we're not there yet. I digress. Blake Lively is 22 going on 23 and pretty freaking hot. She's only beeing in really dumb stuff (Gossip Girls and if any of you watch that, get out of the league now) but her career should be expanding soon. Steve's got a good young team, and his IBC success rate should grow as well.
23.) Athletics
Nelly Furtado. Oakland has had quite the ride in the IBC. They went from not a whole lot to almost having a threepeat in the AL West with some teams loaded with sim freaks. Now, they're transitioned into a team that's trying to balance some aging star power (Bay, Drew) with youth (see: farm system). While it's not yielding the success that they had with the sim freaks, it's a better overall team. It might be another year, maybe two, for Oakland to reach the playoffs again, but it's a slow and steady process that's trending the right way. Nelly Furtado, for those who don't know, used to be a delicate little singer (I'm like a bird / I want to fly away) and then went and whored herself out a bit with the song 'Promiscuous.' Now we don't know exactly what she's going to come back as, but it'll have to be something different in order to stay relevant. The old A's whored themselves out to sim freaks, and it yielded results. Now they've got a different team and a different philosophy - and it'll need to be good in order to yield similar results. Ah fuck it, they're in the AL West right? It just has to be like 25% good then.
24.) Cubs
Alyson Hannigan. Gabe is the NL Central punching bag this year, as he sits 26.5 games out of first at the break. Gabe still stubbornly refuses to build for the future, has no farm system and will probably deal off all of his draft picks once again. Unless he hits the jackpot with trades, it is looking like the ceiling for next year will probably be 4th place. Alyson Hannigan was the least hot chick in American Pie, she didn’t even get in the ballpark of Shannon Elizabeth or Tara Reid. But unlike them, she did manage to have a career AND become more attractive as she got older. She did star on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but now has had her real success on the CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother. She’s in her mid 30s though, and 40 is quickly creeping up. Her window of opportunity to have a sustained career may be closing, just like it appears the window has closed on the Cubs.
25.) Angels
Emma Stone. Since taking over for Dave, Stephen has done a nice job with the Angels and is only 10.5 back in a pitiful AL West. Stranger things have happened. His has a long road ahead of him, but assuming BP doesn’t move to Texas this winter, is in a division with a lot of upward mobility. Emma Stone first gained fame as Jules in Superbad. She was really good in Zombieland and has her first starring role in a major movie this fall in Easy A. She’s young, she’s pretty and has proven she can do comedy, so the window of opportunity is there for Emma Stone to become a star. Question is will she take it and run with it, or will it slip through her fingers. Stephen, don’t screw up and you too can live large in LA.
26.) Mets
Yvvonne Strahovski. John’s luck has turned south since leaving the Rockies to come to New York and his beloved Mets. After finishing second in 2006 and 2007, he hasn’t finished higher than 4th since and is currently 20 games under .500 at the break. The Mets have some building blocks like David Wright, but it will be a while before they are in the playoff hunt, lucky for them the NL East doesn’t have a superpower team like other divisions. If you’ve ever watched Chuck on NBC, you know who Yvvonne Strahovski is, and you’ve seen her in her underwear a bunch too! She’s hot, but other than Chuck she hasn’t done a whole lot, and it’s not like Chuck is some great success. She does have a moving coming out next year with Clive Owen, Jason Statham and Robert DeNiro, so her career may be looking up.
27.) Rays
Anna Faris. Remember when it looked like Martin had a team in place that would be at the top of the NL West for a long time to come? Yep, 2008 is a long time ago. Since losing Game 163 and seemingly swapping destinies with Jag, it has been downhill for Martin. A move to the AL East for a rivalry with Pat Tullar hasn’t worked out either, as the Rays are in dead last. Will anything change? Probably not for a while, if ever. Anna Faris is funny, hot and supposedly one of the nicest people in Hollywood, but her career has never taken off. She had the Scary Movie franchise, and was good in My Super Ex-Girlfriend, but unfortunately that was when Luke Wilson’s career took a nosedive and the move didn’t so do hot. She has had steady work since then, but nothing that has made her an A list star. She’s rumored to be in Ghostbusters III (UGH! New ideas Hollywood, it ain’t hard), maybe that will do something. She is really close to having to go the fallback to a network sitcom career route. Worked out okay for Charlie Sheen.
28.) Rangers
Rachel Uchitel. The Rangers will eventually have their third owner of the year at some point. That's pretty rare for us in the IBC, but nobody seems to want to really take on the Rangers and revamp this roster. They are only one year removed from taking JB to 5 games in the ALDS, but, as it stands, the team is pretty ugly. The Rangers right now are the slut of the IBC, going through owners like it's nobody's business. Uchitel, in case you've been under a rock all year, was Tiger Woods' go to slutbutt. That's all I got for a team that's vacant, but really, we need to find a good owner for the Rangers so they're no longer a slut - and a shitty slut at that.
29.) Indians
Kate Gosselin. The Indians flat out suck. No other way to put it. Swarzak, Bastardo, Sowers, Alderson and Joe Martinez for the rotation. Dickerson hits leadoff. There's some fun pieces here - Vlad, Jon Jay is okay for a 4th OF, um, Vlad, Arcenbia is pretty good. Grant Green looks like he'll be good, but there's not much else to really get excited about here. We're sorry Kelly, but we have to do it- you were going to kick all our asses, right? Well. Kate Gosselin got her way to fame with a loud mouth too and having eight monsters pop out of that vajaysh. She's pretty ugly, too. Looks like she had some botox go wrong lately too. Yuck. She's ugly, this roster is ugly, but at least unlike Gosselin, the Indians do have a couple pieces to build with and/or parlay into better pieces. Still, Kelly better show up to work in order to do that since he's been MIA lately...
30.) Braves
Lindsay Lohan. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Brandon had a 2 year run as one of the top teams in the IBC in 2007-2008 and had he not run into the Cardinals twice, he may very well have a ring on his finger. Now he is by far the worst team in the IBC, perhaps the worst team in IBC history, and rebuilding Atlanta will be as difficult as the rebuilding of Atlanta was for Scarlett O’Hara, Rhett Butler and the rest of the characters in Gone With the Wind fighting Reconstruction and Carpetbaggers. Lindsay Lohan was so hot. If you saw Mean Girls, then you know, because she was super hot without even trying. What has she done since then, when she looked like one of the brightest young stars in Hollywood? Well, tons of coke, a lot of random guys, stole a car and drove it down the highway the wrong way, violated probation, gotten millions of dollars in debt and now is going to jail for 90 days. Cheer up Brandon, at least the general public isn’t rooting for you to get raped in prison.
