June 12 Power Rankings

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Astros
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June 12 Power Rankings

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Courtesy of JP and myself. Had pics but it wouldn't work so just google image these folks if you want pics.

1. Yankees- Woodland Christmas Critters. We all know that JB has the best roster in the league and is stacked everywhere with Halladay, Pujols, Mauer, A-Rod and the list goes on and on. While he may have paid an alright price on some of these guys, JB Christmas crittered his way to a lot of them, mainly Pujols (Andruw Jones/ Bonderman). The Christmas Critters first appeared as Satan worshippers, looking for a person to take on the spirit of the antichrist. They later appeared most notably in Imaginationland where they raped Kurt Russel and gave Strawberry Shortcake AIDS. Like the Critters, JB isn't taking anybody prisoner as evidenced by his +177 run differential already this year.

2. Pirates- Eric Cartman. JP once again got off to a slow start. Things weren’t going his way, nothing was working and of course he was bitching about it constantly. Now everything has clicked, the Pirates are making a run at the longest winning streak in IBC history and could leave the Reds and Cards in the dust soon. The Pirates were bumped from the playoffs in the NLDS by Nils last year, but with the pitching and lineup potentially stronger, the Pirates seem poised at possibly winning their first World Series. Cartman is always plotting some grand scheme to get rid of people or to get rich. Sometimes his plans work to get rid of people, as do JP’s (anyone seen Degan or Nate lately?). But in the end it never fails that Cartman’s grand plan to get rich, or get rid of Kyle always comes up short. So will this be the year that JP finally wins it all or will it fall short like Faith+1 or being a Somalian pirate? JP’s best bet may be writing his own ending, like The Woodland Critter Christmas.

3. Tigers- Stan. Stan is one of the main characters of South Park and is the one that is least susceptible to many of the scams and ridiculous ploys that the boys often find themselves tangled in. Stan is reluctant to hop on certain bandwagons- as he did not want to create a facebook account despite everybody doing it. Stan is often quiet, but does get vocal and motivated when provoked - see: Whale Whores. Much like Stan, the Tigers and BP are central to the IBC as the Tigers won the title last year and Brett is on ExCo. BP didn't deviate from plan too much en route to the title, not falling for fools gold in years prior to 2009, much like Stan avoids scams and knows to avoid cults - see: Super Best Friends. The Tigers despite some injuries still lead by 6.5 games in the AL Central.

4. D'Backs- Ms. Stevenson. Ms. Stevenson is the new Kindergarten teacher - albeit briefly. She appears in "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy" as she slept with Ike, Kyle's younger brother. All the men in town seem to think Ms. Stevenson is pretty hot and don't take Kyle's cries for criminal charges against her seriously, rather just thinking that it's niiiiice that Ike is banging her. Jag has a pretty good roster that many in the league would love to have, but clearly still has a thing for the young prospects. He couldn't quite pull the trigger on a HanRam trade over the winter, not wanting to part with such a package of prospects, much like Ms. Stevenson didn't want to end her relationship with Ike. The relationship wound up killing her, as she jumped off a building to escape Cartman as the Dog bounty hunter as well as various law enforcement agencies. Will Jag's attachment to many of his players cause him to pass up a trade that would put him into the playoffs again? He might be easing up on that after dealing Tillman and Davis to get Billingsley, but, we'll see if it'll take another deal to seal the D'Backs fate this year.

5. Red Sox- Phillip. My oh my, what a difference geography makes. Pat Tullar had no real success while occupying Tampa. The Rays were continually pounded by the AL East powers. A move to Boston has put a spark in the team, as Pat is off to a great start and sits in second, currently with a 5 game lead in the Wild Card. Phillip is Terrance’s comedy partner. He took the breakup better than than Phillip and didn’t gain a bunch of weight. Pat has took the move in the AL East much better than Martin and so far is winning this new rivalry.

6. Phillies- Sergeant Yates. Yates essnetially rose to power seemingly overnight in South Park, becoming the central law enforcement character - much like Nick's Angels in 2002 were suddenly champions after a long winning streak to end the season got him into the playoffs. Yates doesn't seem to take too seriously the issue of Ms. Stevenson banging Ike - even when Kyle came to him with evidence. Rather, Yates thought they should arrest him and give him the luckiest boy in the world medal. We don't often see Nick get involved in many issues in the league as he'd rather focus on the niiiice aspects of an issue or the league or his team rather than unncessarily be roped into a debate or other nonsense - but we will see him post a funny quip now and then or let us know who the 3 hottest girls are to him. Nick's Phillies are looking pretty niiice this year - despite the injuries to Roberts and DeRosa, as the Phillies are in first place this week in the NL East. Perhaps Nick will once again rise to an October appearance this year, much like Yates rose to power in South Park with little fanfare.

7. Reds- Kenny. Ken is once again in the thick of things. A move from Washington to his beloved Reds started off slowly, but great trades have put Ken in the thick of the hunt. A great offense and overachieving pitching have the Reds poised to contend all year and don’t be shocked to see Ken back in the playoffs. So what makes Ken get Kenny? Well, how many times has Ken seemingly came back from the dead? How many times has he been written off? No way the sim magic works anymore, not this time. Yet there he is again, looking like a playoff team. Death only comes to Ken in the NLDS, so don’t be shocked if he winds up with the Wild Card once again.

8. White Sox- Butters Stotch. Butters is one of the nicer children in South Park if not the nicest. He hardly ever swears and is seemingly pretty innocent overall. However, that niceness gets him into trouble a lot. Butters is also a pretty good student in school. Jim seems to be a pretty nice guy and he also seems to be pretty smart when it comes to drafting. Jim, though, has fallen victim to some pretty ugly trades much like Butters has fallen victim to many of the other South Park kids schemes. If the White Sox had just two trades back, the rotation in Chicago could look something like Ubaldo, Kershaw, Hanson and Niemann. Maybe this is the year where Jim finally makes the playoffs and all his moves look like genius, and the 2010 season will be Jim's "Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs," or another disappointing season in Chicago could leave Jim saying aw hamburgers.

9. Cardinals- Randy Marsh. Randy is one of the more ridiculous characters in South Park, as he believes in pretty ridiculous things - such as going West for the internet, they have it in Californy. He can't seem to put down his video camera in Pandemic and also has his own beliefs on global warning in Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow. The list goes on and on for Randy's ridiculousness, not terribly unlike Aaron. Aaron treats his sim players like they're real players, giving days off to players that don't need it and somehow having some head to head magic even when his team isn't that good. Marsh had his title with Pinewood Derby, even if that wasn't by the legal standards and caused Finland to be destroyed via missile attack, it was still a title, much like Aaron's title stands tall. He'll need to make sure he can conjure up some more sim magic with his starters being hurt and Ken and JP looking tough in the NL Central, but as we've seen Mr. Marsh defeat Bono's biggest shit record, it's feasible that Aaron will sneak his way into the playoffs once again this year.

10.Mariners- Mr. Tweak. Mr. Tweak is Tweek's father and as he owns a coffee shop, the source of Tweek's, well, tweaking. Anyway, Mr. Tweak is an older, calmer character who often gets lost in his usage of superlatives about his coffee and how awesome it is and his descriptions are something to behold. He seems pretty calm even while Harbucks tried to take over in town. It's been awhile since Ropers made the playoffs, while Hamlin and Seth had their runs, but Ropers remained calm and has opened up quite the lead this year and hasn't abandoned his farm system to get there either. Plus, we all know how Ropers loves his golf trips and various vacations to Arizona or some other nice sunny place, much like Mr. Tweak loves his lovely cup of coffee.

11. Twins- Mr. Garrison. Andrew’s Twins are once again in the playoff hunt following their first missed October appearance since 2005 last year. At 31-26, they sit 4.5 games back of the Wild Card in second place in the AL Central. Odds are they won’t catch the Tigers but could remain in the Wild Card hunt for a while, but sooner or later these overachieving bats are going to regress, so a couple moves wouldn’t hurt. Mr. Garrison is everyone’s favorite gay/had a sex change/had a sex change back 4th grade teacher. While Garrison isn’t the smartest guy, he did manage to invent a mode of transportation that would’ve put the airlines out of business and write the best selling homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn. Last year was Andrew’s trip to the mountains to find himself, now he has returned, embracing his team. Question is, will he get his job back as a perennial playoff team, or continue to be on the outside looking in, like Garrison after he was fired. And is Mike Cuddyer Mr. Slave?

12. Nationals- Tom Cruise. Z was the favorite to win the AL Central from 2006-2009. He never made the playoffs. A move to the Nationals had Z in firs until this week. His team was playing over its head in both pitching and hitting, but an 11 game losing streak has the NL East lead gone. The Nats need to right the ship soon or face another potential disappointing season. Tom Cruise first appeared in South Park when it was thought Stan was the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Cruise locked himself in Stan’s closet when he didn’t think Cruise was the best actor. Cruise is also a fudge packer. In order to escape ridicule, he goes to the moon, where he dies from suffocation. As the year goes on, we’ll see if Z can finally come out of the closet and make the playoffs or if he’ll continue to be jumping on a couch proclaiming his greatness while everyone looks on in bewilderment.

13. Rockies- Kyle Broflovski. Last year it looked like Jake finally had it all figured out. A move from the NL Central to Colorado, a big lead in a division of underachieving teams and a playoff spot all but guaranteed. But interdivision trades wound up biting Jake in the ass and he lost a one game playoff to Nils. This year Jake is one game back of Jag for the division lead but the NL West may wind up devouring each other, not allowing a team to be in the Wild Card race. Kyle is always trying to be a voice of reason but is oftentimes sidetracked due to his hatred of Cartman. Whenever Kyle comes up with some master plan to get back at Cartman, it inevitably backfires on him, like when he turned Cartman into a ginger, or convinced Cartman to be a pirate in Somalia. So far Jake’s master plan of making the playoffs has backfired on him. Maybe this year he will finally break through. If it all falls apart again, it may be time to spend some of that Jew gold around his neck.

14. Padres- Saddam Hussein. Bren finally vacated Fenway, growing tired of dealing with JB and Pat B and heading for the greener pastures of the West Coast. Bren started off leading the NL West for a part of the beginning of the season but a lack of pitching depth has sent him down in the standings. Saddam has spent all of South Park being portrayed as Satan’s boyfriend. Well all figured that the Nils/Bren relationship was in reverse, with Bren being in charge and Nils being the one in the background, until last year when a bunch of lopsided deals put Nils in the playoffs. So that makes Bren Saddam. If Bren was called Saddam in power rankings when he was the Commish, there’s a good chance the contributors would’ve been fired so that is fitting too.

15. Blue Jays- Chef. Chef was one of the most famous South Park characters before his eventual demise in South Park. He had tons of success with the ladies and nobody really seems to know how or why as he's just a Chef at South Park Elementary school, but has some musical talents among other things. Pat has made the playoffs every year since 2004, save for 2006. Looking at his roster, you can't be too sure how or why they'd had so much success in Tampa/Toronto over the years, but they have, as it culminated in a title in 2008. Pat has always had his methods to success, but not so much this year as the Jays as he's well behind JB and 8 behind the surprising Red Sox at this point. Injuries have hurt the Jays this year, and while it's far too early to write anybody off, the Jays are looking like they might hit their demise this year for their playoff streaks, much like Chef met his demise a few seasons ago.

16. Royals- Scott Malkinson. Jason’s first season in the league he burst onto the scene in Baltimore and won 100 games, barely missing the playoffs. Last year his team took a beating. This year the Royals came out of the gate fast, hanging with the Tigers for the first two months but have started to fall back in the pack. Scott Malkinson came out of nowhere, literally having never even been a background character before, to play a major role in the “Elementary School Musical” episode in 2008 as the replacement friend for Stan when Stan began to do musicals to keep from losing Wendy. Even though Cartman, Kyle and Kenny hung out with Scott, they didn’t like him and it was uncool to be seen with him. Cartman ripped on him constantly for having a lisp and diabetes. Being around Jason in the standings right about now is like hanging out with Scott Malkinson, it may not seem that bad, but you don’t want others to know that’s where you are.

17. Marlins- Scott Tenorman. Tenorman was in one of the funniest episodes of South Park ever, as he swindled Cartman into paying for pubes and always one-upped Cartman until Cartman killed his parents and chopped them up and fed them to Scott in the form of chili. Scott was clearly older than Cartman and yet decided to pick on him anyway. Well, the Marlins used to be the Orioles before they came to Miami and won two division titles in a row, picking on a weaker class of teams than the AL East offered. However, things have gone a bit awry for the Fish this year. Still sitting under .500, the Marlins remain in striking distance regardless. However, this could be the year where Vacek has to eat his Marlin chili if his Marlins don't get the ship turned around and fast.

18. Dodgers- Craig Tucker. Craig appears fairly often in South Park but is rarely one of the main characters. Craig is usually quiet and sarcastic, and he's known to flip people off. He usually knows when to concede defeat and is somewhat smarter for that - like when he told Jimmy just to talk half of the royalties for the Gay Fish joke with Cartman, even though Jimmy wrote the whole joke. Craig also was relectuant to continue travelling into the ancient Indian cave while the rest of the kids wanted to, saying that "no, no we don't have to. I'm leaving." Craig also used to flip people off a lot, not unlike Shawn calling out Dave for his long litany of horrible trades. We don't often hear from Shawn, but we always know he's there since we visit the website daily and well, the website is thanks to Shawn. Shawn doesn't say much, but when he does, it's often a sarcastic quip aimed at Dave - but I guess Shawn will have to find a new target for that now.

19. Giants- Satan. People must sell their souls to Nils to explain his continued success despite not having an offense. The Giants made a surprising run to the World Series last year despite having the entire rotation on the DL at some point in the season. This year the Giants are one game under .500, but are only 5 games out of first. If Nils can swing a couple deals for some bats, he’ll be in position to make a run. Satan is the ruler of hell. He has failed to conquer earth on two occasions. Satan has had multiple boyfriends throughout the series, most notably Saddam Hussein. Nils better make some moves for bats or he will once again be unable to conquer the IBC.

20. Brewers- General Disarray. General Disarray is Butters' sidekick when Butters decides to turn into Professor Chaos. General Disarray usually didn't do too much, but he wanted to help Butters in his quest to destroy the world. While Ben and his Brewers might not be destroying the world, they are admirably trying to improve and be a .500 team this year in the NL Central and perhaps take a bite out of the Pirates, Cardinals and Reds playoff chances. General Disarray is also noticably smaller and younger than the other boys, much like Ben's team. However after watching Strasburg last night, perhaps General Disarray is onto something in the future...

21. Astros- Ike Broflovski. Shawn has been in the league now for three years and his team has made strides every year. The problem is that Shawn’s Astros are in the very tough NL Central that has three playoff contenders and wins are hard to come by. While Shawn is assembling talent, it will be a while before you see results. Ike is Kyle’s younger brother. He started kindergarten early because he is a genius. While Ike is a genius and watches The McLaughlin Group, he often times answers questions with random answers like “cookie monster” or “I pooped my pants.” While Shawn has advanced, his team is still young and growing. After the Billingsley deal, some of us wonder if his reply to Jag’s offer should’ve been “I don’t like medicine” instead of yes.

22. Mets- Officer Barbrady. John is always reluctant to rebuild and always wants to win every single year, even if it's likely not feasible that he can. He'd much rather be .500 than play .300 baseball, which is a respectable quality for a GM to have. However, this can lead to a lot of limbo and litter on the roster. Officer Barbrady was the main law enforcement on South Park for quite awhile, however, he never was terribly good at what he did. As time has gone on, Barbrady has become better at what he does - as he arrested the phramacist for selling drugs to the boys in "Quest for Ratings." Perhaps John has caught onto something after the minidraft, as he has Ichiro and Wright who he is bent on building on with a couple of young arms that are looking pretty good in Leake, Hellickson and Sanchez. Perhaps it won't be long until Barbrady has the last laugh.

23. Angels- Mysterion. Mysterion also appears with the Coon, except he quickly becomes more popular than the Coon since Mysterion is more effective at stopping crime. Unlike the Coon, Mysterion's identity is truly a mystery. Steven has done a good job at winning coming into the year, but it's still with Dave's roster. We don't know what direction the Angels will head in and we don't know much at how Steve will conduct his business as a GM. It's all one big mystery, so the Angels for once, is unknown. Far better to be unknown than what they would have been if Dave was still here - Mimsy.

24. Rangers- Ginger kids. Right now, the Rangers are a vacant team needing an owner. Ginger kids are the red headed step child of South Park, constantly being ripped on and nobody wants to be a ginger. Nobody seems to want the Rangers, either, though rumor has it a ginger actually might be taking over Texas soon.

25. A’s- Kyle Schwartz. Jake’s Oakland squad won back to back division titles in 2007 and 2008, and if not for a huge collapse down the stretch in 2009 would’ve had 3 titles in a row. Now the A’s occupy last place in the AL West, 11 back of Seattle. Lucky for Jake, the West is still the worst division in the league so rebuilding may not take long. Kyle Schwartz is Kyle’s stereotypical Jewish cousin from New York. When he first comes to South Park, nobody wants to play with him and Kyle pays Cartman $40 to not make fun of him. Schwartz winds up making $5,000,000 off of a buying of an investment. This causes the boys to want to him to hang around South Park, which he declines because they’re all redneck jocks to him. In the end, Jake has moved on from being the super rich Kyle, right now he’s just the stereotypical Jew that’s bad at sports and nobody wants to play with.

26. Cubs- Bahir Hakeem. Bahir isn't that well known of a South Park character, appearing only in the 24-spoof episode, "The Snuke" where he was the central character to the story. Cartman suspected him of being a terrorist, and while Cartman did wind up thwarting a terrorist attack, Bahir had absolutely nothing to do with it. For what it's worth as well, Bahir befriended Butters as well. Bahir hasn't been heard from since this episode, much like Gabe hasn't really been heard from competitively since he won his title and moved into the NL Central. The Cubs finished 34 out in 2007, 46 out in 2008, 45 out in 2009 and already find themselves 12 out and in last place in 2010. Perhaps Bahir will make another appearance in South Park, and perhaps Gabe will make the playoffs again someday, but it's an uphill climb for both characters.

27. Orioles- The Coon. The Coon is a crime fighting mystery kid from South Park - ok, not much of a mystery as it's clearly Cartman, but his identity is never truly known to everybody in South Park- and he's a play on Batman. The Orioles appear to still be a bit of a mystery to the IBC, as Steven hasn't been heard from too much this year as he has been moving and graduating college, but we kind of know what they're about - much like we kind of know the Coon is Cartman. Baltimore has one of the better collections of young talent in the league, with Phil Hughes, Matusz, Moustakas, Lars Anderson and others. It might be a few years before we find out who the Orioles really are, much like it might be a few season until we find out who the Coon really is.

28. Rays- Terrance. The Rays have gotten off to a slow start, and Martin’s squad has seemingly fallen off a cliff since they appeared to be poised to be a dominating team for a long time in 2008. Since losing a one game playoff for the NL West title in 2008, Martin’s squad his had quite the rough stretch. A move to the AL East to have a rivalry with Pat Tullar has worked well for Pat, but not so much for Martin. Terrance is one half of the successful comedy duo Terrance and Phillip, who have a successful Canadian TV show that centers around farts and fart jokes. The duo broke up and Terrance got very fat. This team needs to get back on track and drop the weight fast if it wants to contend anytime soon.

29. Indians- Jimmy Volmer. Remember when Kelly came into the league and said he'd compete? Well, that didn't work so well. Now Kelly's roster is sort of stuck in a limbo, with a couple solid pieces and a lot of not so much - a bit crippled like Jimmy. Jimmy likes his comedy and his jj jj jjjokes. Maybe as it turns out, Kelly's schooling us was an un-funny joke much like Jimmy's stand up routine. But maybe one of these years, Kelly will come up with a team on par with the gay fish joke that Jimmy wrote and surprise us all.

30. Braves-Towelie. Oh the parallels are endless. When Towelie was conceived by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, it was a joking reference to the over-marketing of characters due to the success of South Park. Eric Cartman, partially breaking the fourth wall, delivers the penultimate line of Towelie's debut episode: "You're the worst character ever, Towelie." "I know," responds Towelie. Towelie may be the worst character ever, but Brandon is making a serious run at worst team ever. The downward spiral for the Braves following their collapse in Game 163 in 2008 mirrors Towelie’s downfall, as he has fallen to blowing strangers to get meth money, while Brandon is taking it up the butt from everyone that plays him. Towelie got better with an intervention, while the Braves need a huge intervention of talent. Would any of us be surprised if one day Brandon got high and just sort of wandered off?
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Nationals
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Post by Nationals »

I just have to say...this Power Rankings is full of Win.
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Re: June 12 Power Rankings

Post by Braves »

Cardinals wrote: Would any of us be surprised if one day Brandon got high and just sort of wandered off?
Thought that already happened a couple times this year, but I guess not. Good shit either way!
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Phillies
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Post by Phillies »

This is the first time I noticed these Power Rankings... very nicely done. You two need to get some more done ASAP. I would do them but there is no way I can be as clever as you two do them.
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Post by Athletics »

Wow, way to be on top of things Nick, it has only been a month. It would be nice if the link on the front page could work though. And I believe they are working on their next set which should be coming out this week, unless JP found his way into the liquor cabinet over the weekend and decided ranking the difference between Jim, Johnny and Jack was better.
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Post by Phillies »

I am not used to Power Rankings so I never checked.
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Post by Astros »

Nick I don't expect you to be as awesome as me, but if you ever feel like doing them give em a go. That goes for everyone
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Post by Cardinals »

Yeah you guys are all allowed to give them a go, even short ones like ESPN would be cool. Same goes for the hot sheet which hasn't been done in like two years. But there will be new power rankings out this week at some point.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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