June 10 Power Rankings

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June 10 Power Rankings

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Contributors: Pirates, Cardinals

This is Aaron and my first go round of power rankings in awhile, so we figured we'd make it extra special for all you guys out there. We kicked around many gimmicks to do and in our infinite wisdom decided to link each team to some sort of celebrity girl that in some weird way represents what our teams are. Enough talking from me, just sit back and enjoy.

And of course, I hunted down pictures of everybody for our viewing pleasure. Hotties and baseball, does it get any better?

Rankings
1. BlueJays - Image

Heather Locklear. Pat Bishop has been in the IBC since the first year and he has been a winner from the moment he came in. Nobody expected him to make the playoffs last year and nobody figured he'd be running away with the AL East this year. Heather Locklear has been a sex symbol for over 25 years and still has her fastball. She may not always be on everyone's radar, but she is always a presence. Heather is showing no signs of slowing down despite being in her 40s and Pat looks to be dominant for the rest of the year and a team to be reckoned with for a while longer.



2. Reds - Image

Lindsay Lohan. The Reds and Lindsay Lohan seem to fit like a glove. Cinci has had some huge talent for years in the league, yet has never won a championship. Lohan has had plenty of talent but has pissed it away with troubles with the law and anorexia. Now she is back, large funbags and all, and smoking hot- much like the Reds in the IBC right now, minus the funbags. Lohan's goods are tough to top when she's right in the head, and the Reds are tough to beat as long as they're on the field.

3. Padres - Image

Jayde Nicole. To be completely honest, I didn't know who Jayde Nicole was until last night. She was the most recent Playboy Playmate of the Year. Why does this make sense for San Diego? The Padres have an excellent, excellent team on the surface and some pretty solid prospects on the way. However for the time being, they are just not a really deep team. Jayde might have some future career work not in a porno mag lined up, but for now, she's pretty hot and pretty shallow too.

4. Yankees - Image

Elisha Cuthbert. If Bo Derek was a 10, then Elisha Cuthbert is a 27. JB has more talent than should be allowed and not only that, almost all of them are young. He may have stumbled out of the gate this year but he's coming on strong now and could overtake a scrappy O's team any day. Elisha burst on to the scene with roles in 24 and The Girl Next Door, giving everyone plenty of spank bank material. One of the few women me and JP agree on, she's #1 on both our lists for hottest chick. If there ever was an IBC team that's spank bank worthy, it's the Yanks.

5. Athletics - Image

Demi Moore. Jake was a surprise winner off the AL West last year and is leading the division this year. His team is old, but is still dangerous. Nobody expected him to be in the ALCS last year and a repeat performance isn't out of the question. Demi Moore is still hot, even though she's getting up there. That's where it gets dangerous, once you get old, your looks can go very quickly, and Demi Moore might be near falling off the cliff as far as hotness goes, just like Jake could be a few injuries away from second place and not looking so good himself

6. Orioles - Image

Meg Ryan. Jason has come out of nowhere to lead the AL Wild Card a third of the way through the season. While most people are still writing him off as a fluke, we've seen in the past that flukes hang around in the IBC for a long time. That being said, he has little room for error with JB on his heels and his decline could be abrupt. Meg Ryan was a bankable star for over a decade and was someone that women weren't threatened by, since she was very pretty and not hot. Because of that, guys could get away with talking about how good she looked. Then her looks went away almost overnight and now she's not in anything. Jason could be looking at a Meg Ryan like decline if he starts to falter.

7. Cardinals - Image

Taylor Swift. Last year everything went right for the Cards, even when it went wrong. Free agent pickups like Julio Franco hit in place of injured stars like Scott Rolen and didn't miss a beat and the Cards romped to a World Series title. This year the Cards have to mix and match and overcome weaknesses to win games. Taylor Swift burst on to the country music scene 2 years ago as a 16 year old produced hit after hit. She's had 5 singles from her first album and all have been Top 10 hits and been named one of People's 50 Most Beautiful. She's also considered one of the nicest people in country music. Now she needs to release a second album and be just as successful, like the Cards want a follow up of last year's title. The Cardinals also want to marry Taylor Swift and let her make all the money and stay at home and raise horses and dogs, that's the current plan.

8. Royals - Image

Rihanna. The Royals were supposed to win the AL Central last year, but didn't. They have been held in a high regard around the league for a few years now, much like Rihanna had been prior to 2007. Now in 2008 it appears the Royals are ready to take the leap and have a dogfight all Summer long and possibly reach the playoffs. This would be Kansas City's "Umbrella".ù That song and album took Rihanna from well respected to massive star and mega hottie.

9. Marlins - Image

Carrie Underwood. Dan struggled to gain ground for years in the AL East and took a page out of Gabe's book and headed south. Now he's in Florida and looking to get in the playoffs for the first time ever. He's got a very good young corps of players and has a very bright future. Carrie Underwood made it off of American Idol and instantly became a top selling country artist. She's expanded herself musically but some are starting to get a Shania Twain vibe from her and think she'll eventually bolt to pop music. Not only that, but she dates douches like Tony Romo. Hopefully Dan will make better decisions while leading the Marlins.

10. Twins - Image

Patrick Dempsey. Andrew has himself a good team that he has built from rock bottom to the defending AL champs. He's currently 1 game out of the ALC and looks to be neck and neck with Z all year. Well, Andrew's sweet on men, and both me and JP's moms have a crush on Patrick Dempsey, so we guess that means Andrew might too, so here ya go Andrew. Much like the Pet Shop Boys being on the jukebox in Talladega Nights, this is here for profiling purposes.

11. Mariners - Image

Christina Applegate. Talk about someone that's been around forever and might be running out of chances to remain relevant. Ropers came in part of the way through the first year and won the NLC. He then moved out west and has been a contender every year. Now he's taken a back seat to Jake and may be looking at his last chance at being a force for a little while. Christina Applegate was dumb slut Kelly Bundy on Married with Children. She was hot, she dressed skanky, and everyone loved it. Then she starred on the failed Jesse on NBC. Then nobody heard from her for a long time. Then many thought she was back with Anchorman. Well she followed up on that with another sitcom nobody watches and if this fails, she may be out of chances, just like Ropers may soon be out of chances to contend.

12. Phillies - Image

Jessica Simpson. Nick's IBC tenure has been one of peaks and valleys. He won the first ever IBC title, hung around the top of the divisions he was in but never really broke through again. This year he is improbably leading the NL East despite being outscored by almost 60 runs. Jessica Simpson's career has been peaks and valleys; she disappears, then bursts on the scene again and continues to remain relevant. She was a pop star in the late 90s, her star fell, she got a reality show with her new husband Nick Lachey, they got divorced, she starred in the crappy Dukes of Hazzard movie, she got booed off stage at a Dolly Parton tribute show for not knowing the lyrics to 9 to 5, then she started banging Tony Romo and got back in the news. One of these days her luck will run out.

13. DBacks - Image

Kate Hudson. This team has all the tools to be a powerhouse, but just needs a little time to mature in order to be one. Jag has been a prospect hound since coming into the league. He has a lot of toolsy players, a bunch of power but his team can be all or nothing a lot of days. Kate Hudson has all the tools to be a bankable movie star, movie star mom, great in chick flicks, very pretty but not so hot that she makes women not like her. There's just one problem. She has no boobs at all. If Kate Hudson were to ever get some boobs, she'd be at the top of the A list. For now, she'll have to settle with doing her romantic comedies and being Goldie Hawn's daughter. For now, Jag will have to be patient and let his team mature.

14. Giants - Image

Drew Barrymore. The Giants are only 6 out of first in the West and 4 back of the Wild Card, but Nils just doesn't seem to care. He seems content to just stay status quo and not go ahead and make the move to get back where he was in the past- a former champ. He has a plan and refuses to deviate from it, even if he could easily make a playoff run this year. Drew used to be big, but has anybody heard from her recently? I know I haven't. With some work, Drew could have her career back on track, just like with a little work the Giants could be back in the playoffs.


15. Nationals - Image

Reese Witherspoon. Ken is the sim wizard. He took teams in Houston that everyone pegged for 3rd place in the Central and always ran away with the division. A move to the NL East seems to have lost some of his mojo, but he's still right there in the thick of things every year and can still win the division this year if he goes on a run. Reese Witherspoon has seemingly been around forever, has been in a ton of successful movies and even won an Oscar. While her career has slowed down a tad bit in the past year, she's still the most bankable female star in Hollywood, one that can play comedy and dramatic roles and doesn't piss off women like Angelina Jolie does. While some may not consider Reese to be really hot, she's more of a classic Southern beauty that'd be attractive no matter where you put her. Ken wins no matter where you put him it seems, and will continue to win with his witchcraft and sim voodoo.

16. Indians - Image

Pamela Anderson. Over the Winter, Kelly told us he plays to win now regardless of what's going on in his division or what his team says it can do. Maybe if it were a few years ago, the cast on his team would indeed be competing for an AL Central title with Glaus, Thome, Giambi, Castillo, Glavine, Mussina at the helm. Much like Pamela Anderson, a lot of these players had a great heyday but are now over the hill. Once an incredibly hot force, Anderson is yesterday's news and really has nothing left to do except plateau unless she pulls something out of a bag of tricks. The Indians aren't totally out of it, but will need to pull something out of the magic bag pretty quickly to hang with KC and the Twins.

17. RedSox - Image

Kevin Bacon Chick. You had to see this one coming. For whatever reason, Bren finds this chick attractive. But in the end, that's all that matters, right? So long as you yourself find the chick you're about to bag hot right? You don't care what your friends think, no matter how fug her face is, right? Well that seems to be Bren's plan with saying this chick is hot and his team. When he left briefly, his team got stomped on and with Baltimore catching lightning in a bottle this year as well as the Jays and Yanks ahead of him, it'll be really tough to convince the league that he has a good shot at winning this year.

18. Dodgers - Image

Julianne Hough. Shawn is at a crossroads. Last year he won the NL West, holding off a pesky Rockies team down the stretch and then was swept by the Cards in the NLDS. This year his team has fallen off and while still young, Shawn is facing the dilemma of whether he should retool or just hold steady as he is. Julianne Hough gained fame as being the hot blonde dancer on Dancing with the Stars. From there she decided to bank on her celebrity by trying her hand at country music. She recently released a shitty country album that radio doesn't play. She's very close to becoming irrelevant unless she wants to try her hand at acting. Shawn may not be close to irrelevant, but he is at a crossroads and needs to make the right decisions to remain a contender in an increasingly tough NL West.

19. Braves - Image

Heidi Montag. For the few people in this league that probably watch the Hills, these next two are for you. The Braves are similar to Montag. Heidi has no clue what she wants to do with her personal life - Spencer yes or no? Friends with LC or not? The Braves seem to be caught in a similar limbo - on the surface they have a pretty good team - Morneau, Kendrick, LaRoche, Dye, Pedro, Nathan, Broxton, but there's just something missing. Montag had something missing so she got a boob job. The Braves will need a boob job in order to compete this year- if Brandon decides to do that.

20. Pirates - Image

Lauren Conrad. Again, if you haven't heard of or seen the Hills or even its predecessor Laguna Beach, you won't know who LC is. She's famous for having accomplished nothing, just living in the right place at the right time. That's pretty similar to the Pirates and their history. They've never won an IBC Championship before. However, they did have back to back 100 win seasons earlier on in the league and captured a pennant. In LC's regard, that equates to just being insanely hot. Now that she's the main character in her own show on MTV and has her own clothing line, she has a great future. The Pirates also have a great future with a young base laid down and a pitching staff that should rehabbers Carpenter and Johnson get healthy, and Bailey pan out, should be one of the tops in the league. LC's already got the top looks on MTV, so conquering the world and finding JP is all that's left for her to do, much like a World Series is all that's left for the Pirates to win.


21. Cubs - Image

Britney Spears. She had it all and then lost her sanity and it all went to hell for her, with some attempts at comebacks that just never happened. Gabe has something that most of us in the league don't and that's a World Series title under his belt. His team is young, contrary to popular belief, much like Britney is still relatively young. There's still time for her to turn it around, which she is actually starting to do but with the vicious media ready to destroy her every time she breathes, it'll be difficult—much like it'll be difficult for the Cubs to rebuild in the National League Central.

22. Rockies - Image

Mila Kunis. Kunis was big in that 70's Show, but then sort of fell off the map for a little bit. That 70's Show never really catapulted her to superstardom that she could possibly achieve. The Rockies have been close to the playoffs, with a pair of second place finishes in the NL West, but never reached that threshold that they are capable of. After That 70's Show we never really heard from Kunis except for celebrity dating news. Turns out, she was just retooling for Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Much like Kunis, the Rockies are always back retooled every year to give it another run at becoming a mega star.

23. Mets - Image

Ashley Judd. Judd still seems to be forgotten among many when thinking of mega hot celebrities. Haven't seen much of her lately, and if anything, the most recent resonating photo of her is when her husband won the Indy 500. Still, she is extremely hot and also extremely nice and is involved with various charities—the best of both worlds, hot and nice. Jim has a team that isn't thought of that much and is seemingly overlooked as its still a year or so away from serious contention. Still, with one of the nicer GM's in the league and a solid base of players under his belt, the future could be very bright for the Mets, much like the future is still bright for Judd.

24. Tigers - Image

Hayden Panettiere. When you first look at Hayden, especially if you catch her in her cheerleading getup from Heroes, you may be stuck sitting for few minutes. If you look at the Tigers lineup without having seen it before, you'll want to shit yourself for having to pitch to it. Detroit also is heavy in prospects and better yet knows how to draft well and usually picks up some nice finds along the way. There's still something missing from the roster and that's a pitching staff. There is a clear foundation in place with Shields, Gallardo (DL), Hughes (DL) and others, but there is no bullpen and those players need to rebound from injuries. Hayden, a mega hottie, has her career foundation in place but needs to do something to catapult her into the next celebrity stratosphere aside from Heroes. I expect both to happen within the next few years.

25. WhiteSox - Image

Shannon Elizabeth. Shannon showed us too much too soon. We've seen her nude already, so the mystique there is gone. Not that it wasn't nice at all, but, still, time to find somebody new to oogle over after the first few times watching those scenes. The White Sox also suffer a similar fate. They made the playoffs back in the first year of the league but absolutely nothing ever since. A few trades were made in the past year that may or may not set the White Sox back, much like Elizabeth's World Series of Poker appearances may or may

26. Brewers - Image

Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee has some pretty tough shoes to fill in an odd sort of way. Older sis Jessica was basically considered the hottest girl in the world for a period in time and some still hold her in that regard. Ashlee didn't start her career off on the best foot with the infamous SNL gaffe. The Brew had a couple clunker trades last year, but after a few months got the hang of it and now boast a pretty solid team that is merely young and needs time. Ashlee has settled into her own, albeit after a few plastic surgeries, and produces better music than older sis Jessica ever did. Younger sis Ashlee could eclipse Jessica in terms of a successful career, but will have to go through the media gauntlet much like the Brewers have to go through the National League Central.

27. Astros - Image

Sara Chalke. Shawn came in and got stuck in a tough division. While every division is tough, in some (NLE, ALC, NLW, ALW) there is room for upward mobility, in the NLC there's not a lot of room for movement for a young, prospect laden team that never really gets noticed. Sara Chalke replaced the actress that played Becky on Roseanne halfway through the series. She then starred on Scrubs, the show that holds the record for most consecutive years of being “This year's breakout comedy,” that has a niche audience and has huge syndication numbers. Now she's joined the cast of How I Met Your Mother, a great ensemble comedy, much like Scrubs, except actually good. She has never really gotten the chance to shine or show of her hotness because of the roles she has played. She may get a chance now or may get lost in the shuffle, especially if she turns down Ted's marriage proposal on How I Met Your Mother. Shawn will have a while to wait before his team can show off its talent and by then, people may not care, like people may not end up caring about Chalke on How I Met Your Mother.

28. Rangers - Image

Brittany Murphy. Seth came into a poor division and was able to make some noise. He has shown he's gotten the hang of things, trading for Harden and making some solid moves. This team has a nice future, especially in a division that could be wide open very soon. If you don't believe Brittany Murphy has gotten the hang of things, look at her in Clueless and then look at her in anything she's done recently. She went from the weird kid to a smoking hot chick. Seth may have a similar transformation soon if some things go right for him.

29. Angels - Image

Rachel McAdams. Dave has reinvented himself. He came into the league; everyone raped him, made fun of him behind his back and pictured Dave to be a nerdy kid living in his parent's basement (think old Pirates GM Matt LeRoy). Dave came back to the league and showed that he actually knows something about baseball, not only that, but DT's a big dude and nothing like we all had pictured. Rachel McAdams started off doing movies like The Hot Chick. If she had continued movies like that, her career would have gone nowhere. Instead she took on roles in Mean Girls, The Notebook and Wedding Crashers and is now a bonafide A list star. While Dave doesn't have that much success yet, he is headed in the right direction and may soon be a star in his own right.

30. Rays - Image

Miley Cyrus. Cyrus is how old and she dresses like what!? To answer your question, she turns 16 this year. Yeah, she's still 15 and dressing like she's out to bring somebody home from the club every time she goes out. However, she's so young that you still feel bad about even looking at her like that. Well, if you don't, you should. Much like Cyrus, the Rays are severely underage. We don't even know how hot Cyrus will be when she's finally legal, much like we have no idea how good the Rays will be when their players come to age and reach the bigs. With TB in the AL East and so young, you're afraid to make fun of them for being so bad these past two years because you know they're rebuilding... much like you should be afraid to be looking at Cyrus like that...

Hope you enjoyed Aaron and my first go round at the rankings this year.
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Post by Dodgers »

Fantastic stuff boys! Hilarious and almost all the connections were spot on.
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Post by Nationals »

I have been rendered speechless.
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Post by Rangers »

Greatness guys.

24. Tigers - Hayden Panettiere

One thing you didn't mention for Detroit and Hayden, we both really like to lick things.

Image

Image[/img]
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Post by Yankees »

That.

Was.

Awesome.

Except for the Kevin Bacon Chick. I'd rather hook up with Patrick Dempsey. Thanks again for that Bren.
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Post by Giants »

Just terrific stuff, but seriously how do you do a list of 30 hot women and skip Warriors fan Jessica Alba? Isn't she the ultimate MILF at the moment?
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Post by Mets »

22. Rockies - Mila Kunis


Not only do I love her, but also love her work on the family guy.

See, while you can't see the Rockies, you can always hear their voice...so the comparison is more true than previously conceived.


Also, she's going to be in the Max Payne movie.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Cardinals »

Alba was omitted because it was tough to link her up to a team. Glad everybody enjoys them, was a blast to do them.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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Post by Mets »

Just noticed no Scarlett Johansson.

Guess that makes sense since no team is perfect.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Cardinals »

Rockies wrote:Just noticed no Scarlett Johansson.

Guess that makes sense since no team is perfect.
Scarlett doesn't hold a candle to at least half of these girls as well as a fair share of omitted possibilities.
12, 14, 15, 17, 22
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Post by Rangers »

Pirates wrote:
Rockies wrote:Just noticed no Scarlett Johansson.

Guess that makes sense since no team is perfect.
Scarlett doesn't hold a candle to at least half of these girls as well as a fair share of omitted possibilities.
Agree
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Post by Astros »

Yeah, Scarlett does nothing for me either so she wasn't considered, unless it was a power rankings of "celeb chicks that are trying to look like a circus clown when putting on lipstick"
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Post by Mets »

whose got this week?
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Nationals »

I don't have time today (moving shit and Italian soccer!) but I have office hours on Monday, so I could bang something quick out then.

BTW...is there an official form that we have to use?
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I PM'd it to you. If I can bang them out tonight, I will...not sure though.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Rangers »

Twins wrote:I don't have time today (moving shit and Italian soccer!) but I have office hours on Monday, so I could bang something quick out then.

BTW...is there an official form that we have to use?
You gotta give a little respect to another US qualifying blowout...at least during haltfime.
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Post by Nationals »

Tigers wrote:
Twins wrote:I don't have time today (moving shit and Italian soccer!) but I have office hours on Monday, so I could bang something quick out then.

BTW...is there an official form that we have to use?
You gotta give a little respect to another US qualifying blowout...at least during haltfime.
1-0 over Barbados is hardly a blowout, though I expect that it was the C team playing...

And, if I may, F* SPAIN.
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Post by BlueJays »

Barbados has a soccer team?

And Spain owns.
"Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax."
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Post by Rangers »

Reds wrote:Barbados has a soccer team?

And Spain owns.

Definitely rooting for Spain the rest of the way. Italy has been on the edge ever since losing to the Dutch and no one could deliver that knockout blow...until Cesc. He is the man.
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Post by Brewers »

Yes Barbados has a soccer team - and no they aren't any good. I'm convinced I'd have a good shot of playing for them. Ths U.S. played like shit....a 1-0 win versus a team like that is pathetic (especially after they beat them 8-0 last week).

As for the Spain/Italy game, I'm happy Spain pulled it off. They completely dominated the Italians in every aspect of the game and deserved the win. I thought we might see a goal towards the end of extra time as you could see the players wearing down and play starting to get sloppy but it wasn't in the cards. Should be good Semifinal match-ups. I think Germany will take it all, but after yesterday's performance I'm rooting for Spain.
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Post by Nationals »

Bad news y'all--I'm being swamped by students today so I don't think I'll be able to get these rankings done, so if someone wants to take over, go for it
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Post by Rockies »

Lmao. Going through these, brings back memories. I totally forgot about Kevin Bacon chick! Hahaha!
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Post by BlueJays »

There was a time when it wasn't insulting to be compared to Lindsay Lohan or Rihanna? I mean, I would expect that down in the 20-30 range.
"Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers, and cheating on your income tax."
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Post by Mets »

I still think I got the hottest chick - Mila Kunis - so I'm still happy.
2008-2023 Mets: 1,054-1,223...463%
2006-2008 Rockies: 242-244...498%

IBC Total: 1,296-1,467...469%
2022: lost WC
2023: lost WC
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Post by Astros »

We intentionally picked a bad pic of Carrie Underwood because I was furious she left me for Tony Homo
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